A Quarter Life Crisis

Back to what I love most-est..and that would be ranting. Oh you don’t know how much I’ve missed ranting my little head off on this here thing I call my blog. Damn that Vancouver you get the forever stank eye o_0!!!!

Anywho back to the actual meat and potato portion of the meal shall we.

And yes I know I’m way late and a dollar short of 100 bucks but can someone please please please tell me why anyone took the Heene family seriously? OK granted I am a forever cynic and don’t really take anything anyone says at face value but a six year old floating away in a homemade helium balloon…to believe this you must be smoking crack! Not to mention that at the precise time of take off the two other children just happened to be recording it…coincidence I think wife swap not!

Not only that but this family already had glorious dreams of reality stardom. And side note when did being a reality star become the business (this is slang and it means awesome carry on)? Tell me reality star wannabes what exactly are you aspiring too? Oh that’s right you want to eat disgusting things for money, pimp out your man or woman parts for money, do borderline retarded things for money…does anyone see a theme here…if not it’s the for money part! So there you have it money is truly the root of all things Lil Wayne evil!

I can’t stomach this rant much longer so I’m calling it quits.

On to dumber pastures…well not actually dumber but even more depressing and depraved. If you haven’t heard this story let me be the first to introduce it to you.

Now at times I can be a bit uncaring but this bitch, yes I called her a bitch, is psychotic and needs more than the book thrown at her. If you didn’t read the story here’s my news byte; some gutter trash whore left her two and three year old nephews alone while she and the children’s mother drove a friend home. While carting said friend home the aunt’s house became engulfed in flames. As the neighbors listened in anguish to the little babies cries for help the mom and aunt were chillaxing on the drive back. Due to the amount of smoke and size of the flames neighbors were unable to get inside the home to rescue the children. Luckily firefighters were able to get to the kids and rush them to the hospital. Unfortunately one of the innocents didn’t make it and the other is in critical condition. Upon arrival at the scene the aunt had this to say after being asked if she regretted leaving the kids alone.

No, I really don’t because if they had been there by themselves, I don’t know if the boys set the house on fire or somebody threw something in there to set it on fire. I really need to get in there to see if my purse burned up. I had my Food Stamp Card and everything in there.

I couldn’t make this up if I tried. Need I really say more…OK I will. Is she kidding me? Now I get that some folks don’t actually process tragedy that well and maybe she was in a massive state of denial but WTF!!!!! Fits of uncontrollable tears and cries of pain I get but this I can’t understand on any level.

No seriously her food stamp card!!!!

On soooo many levels right now I want to inject her with a syringe full of hot battery acid. One of her nephews burned to death and the other is tapping on death’s door due to some janky behavior from both herself and the kid’s mom and this dirty hooker is worried about a damn food stamp card.

Priorities!

Can someone tell me why she wasn’t arrested at the scene of the crime?

OK giving myself a chill pill. I have one more item of contention folks and this is more of a personal pet peeve and a question than a rant rant. Do you like hairy men? I have all types of issues with hairy men. I think this stems from being picked up by a hairy dude as a child and accusing him of being a bear…it was hella scary. Anyway there’s nothing wrong with a little trim (ha ha that was hilarious and dirty all at the same time) gents. It doesn’t make you less manly to manscape. No one wants to rub against a burka. And not for nothing hair traps odors…ugh ugh and double ugh!

And that is all.

Where do I start…OK how about here, skipping town after pleading guilty to raping a 13 year old girl and never being held accountable. I assume in the eyes of Hollyweird’s elite it’s not really “rape rape.” WTF???? Of course it isn’t. I mean when a man drags a drugged/liquored up barely teen (13 year old) aspiring actress/model to the home of a famous actor, I believe the reports said Jack Nicholson, has sex with her on a coach that’s not Rape. Granted one might argue that no actual force was involved but whoever said force had to be involved in order to constitute raping someone.

By definition rape is the sexual assault by a person involving sexual intercourse with or without penetration of another person without that person’s consent. Granted Ms. 13 may have actually said Roman Polanski I want to have your babies…I don’t believe this because while drunk coherent sentences don’t normally escape the mouths of adults let alone stoned teenagers. For that matter teenagers aren’t really in the coherent sentence business when sober anyway, you know just my opinion.

Anywho in my mind, even if Ms. 13 were actually 21 it was still rape…hello while under the influence of a controlled substance or liquor one cannot fully give her consent to have sex which is why many a date rapist have been convicted. But let’s get out of the land of make believe and hop right smack dab back into the actual meat and potatoes of this situation. At 13 by law no child is capable of giving her consent to have sex with an adult….sorry Roman you can’t steal the cookie. I don’t care if Ms. 13 came into your room and hoped on it (now that’s just vulgar) as the adult in the room you have an obligation to right the wrong. Not only that but after the age of 25 there really shouldn’t be any interest in lying down with anyone who can still be put on my punishment by her parents.

Bringing your dates home before the street light comes on has to get old.

Now 30+ years later it does seem a touch late…but hell it’s better late than never in my book. And really I don’t think they’re going to throw this 70+year old man in jail after he’s extradited from Switzerland but if they do I’m not gonna shed a tear or run around wearing a Free Roman Polanski button like a lot of these Hollywood jackasses. Can you believe these folks actually have a petition going like Freeing Roman Polanski is the new green campaign or something?

Famous folk keep saying (in the whiny voice) he’s a cinema genius. He’s one of the world’s best directors….so what! Since I’m a work comp guru does that mean I can renege on all the laws that society sets before me…probably not my bank account don’t have enough zeros. Does being a cinema genius or one of the world’s best directors in some rindonkulous way entitle you to walking above the law? Did I miss a memo that said if you can run with a football or direct a movie better than Joe Blow Average its perfectly fine if you also murder your ex-wife or rape a 13 year old child?

Clearly I must be wrong because this surely wasn’t “rape rape.” And WTF does that mean exactly? Is that whole “rape rape” similar to being a little pregnant. Clearly this is a yes or no thing…either he raped a 13 year old girl or he didn’t…my money’s on he raped her otherwise this cinema giant would have appeared and accepted his Oscar for the Pianist in 2002. Oh yeah it was that little thing called jail time that halted his flight to the states.

And you know Hollywood never ceases to amaze me. Only there do we celebrate junkies, mildly deranged pedophile type characters because they can do what…entertain. It’s always slightly baffling as a society the one thing we place so much importance (being entertained) on is something that is at the end of the day means less than nothing. Why don’t you try being a good person!

Just a question…if Roman Polanski was a teacher would you want him arrested?

Granted there are a lot of concepts that I just don’t understand. I don’t proclaim to be any type of molecular scientist or Einstein freak of nature genius but on average I get most things. MSM or men sleeping with men, but not gay, I just don’t get….on any level.

Let me preface this post with a small disclaimer: I am in no way homophobic or mean this to demean, taunt or otherwise offend any members of the gay, lesbian, bi or transgendered community (which probably means I will but I truly do not). I heart gay peoples like I heart straight folks. Besides some of my best friends are either gay or bi curious.

The other day I ran across this post that discussed the “phenomena” of men sleeping with men but aren’t gay similar to semester lesbians with one caveat. A semester lesbian is a girl who dated or had sex with other chicks during college, grad or high school (whatever your form of higher ed) but in her adult life is straight and only dates men. (I don’t buy this either but again I never was lesbian for a semester so this could be yet another bean to throw into the jar of things I don’t understand). However a MSM continues a sexual relationship with men for life.

It matters not to me about the category. A bird by another name is still a bird. I can call it a hog but at the end of the day if it picks up and flies away it’s a flying hog….I kid I kid, it’s a bird. You get my drift.

In an event, society places a stigma on those who self identify as gay, lesbian, bi or transgendered. Because of this I do understand the defense mechanism to cloak and morph into Mr. or Mrs. What Society Wants. But doesn’t that get old? Don’t you want to just unfasten society’s button exhale and let it all hang out? Maybe not but in my experience lies weigh heavy.

Not to mention and sorry this is my opinion if you’re attracted to men sexually and you’re a man…ding ding ding that’s the definition of gay and the same goes for women. I’m sorry about the category it might make your panties ride but it is what it is. And I don’t subscribe to that age old double standard that women can lick it up with another chick toss the pictures in a box of memories and say oh remember in 1999 when I was lesbian. Sexuality unlike hair color doesn’t wash or grow away with time. Or at least it doesn’t how I understand it. If I can grow out of my sexual attraction to men I would like to do that at age 99 or so you know because I love me some him…I mean I’m just saying if there’s a choice in the matter.

Besides I have enough cleave for two people already I don’t need any other nipples joining the party.

This is not to say that there’s anything wrong with being a lesbian. Whatever floats your boat row. I will admit I don’t quite understand why women who identify as lesbian date butch women who look like men…I mean seriously you’re missing out on the most fun part of that there male type situation if you get my drift. But alas if it makes you happy keep on chucking.

My one issue and yes I admit it is an issue with this MSM thing, the deceit. Most well let me not say most but a lot of these gents are married or in committed relationships with women, major no no. In particular because their female counterparts are out of the loop and have no clue about their hombre’s extracurricular activities. Such a web we weave. If you’re engaging in sexual relations with other men for whatever reason, out right denial of being gay just for fun or a physical release I think you have an obligation to let your wife, girlfriend and/or significant other know. Just because you don’t think you’re gay or bi or whatever doesn’t mean you’re not and you should give your wife, girlfriend and/or significant other the option of being involved in your lifestyle (for lack of a better word).

Granted you might lose a girlfriend or two but isn’t it better to live your life as you truly are. Not to mention that having multiple sexual partners lends itself to double the STD fun. And not to beat a dead horse but anal and oral sex are the riskiest forms of sexual contact. I’m not pointing any fingers and we should all be safe sexual beings but uh when you’re lying to your strictly monogamous girlfriend about banging Harry from down the block during the all male review poker night you are putting her in a rather compromising situation emotionally along with risking her life. And that’s not cool.

So while you’re happy dipping Harry, which is totally your right, you’re playing Russian roulette with ole Faithfull’s life and could very well psychologically destroy her (you know I have a flare for the dramatics). I heard from a friend of friend (granted this could have been drunk girl talk or urban legend) of a girl walking in on her boyfriend bent over a couch by his closet closest buddy…long story short she took a trip to the local psyche ward and he took a trip to the hospital. Sometimes honesty is the best policy.

At the end of the day, MSM is code to me for Down Low Dude and Gay Men in Denial. It really all means the same thing. All I ask is for people to be open and honest about who they are and what they do. No one wants to end up the highlight on the evening news for something that is very very very avoidable.

What is a racial opportunist who seeks racial authenticity? Does President Obama fit the bill? Honestly I don’t know for sure because I am not 100 (this is slang it means sure, carry on) about what it really means. On a side note I do enjoy when people string together catchy phrases like these but I love it more when said person can explain it without going semi ape-shit. With that said you should check out the clip from the Today Show above it will shed some light on the post to follow.

Unfortunately the clip cuts off at the end and you don’t get to see Matt give Malkin the stank eye, which I thought was hysterical and had me laughing all the way to work…classic Lauer. I used to heart him when he had hair…I mean one morning Matt was finer than a glass of wine and the next day he was bald, WTF? Sorry I went on a small tangent.

Anywho, let me back track and say that after graduating from SJU I stopped having race conversations. It always gets out of hand and no one walks away feeling kum bah yahish instead everyone is agitated and I don’t like Agitation all that much. She’s an ugly biotch.

Here are a few reasons why I stopped knocking on Agitation’s door. One because I learned that a bigot will be a bigot until the cows come home, some people are bred badly. It takes a mighty big wind to change the direction of the storm and I don’t have wind machines at my disposal so I pick and choose my battles. And two, race much like religion and politics is divisive. Race clears a room faster than a whore can run out of Sunday school, figuratively speaking.

Amongst friends I share my little racial tidbits but even there I like to keep a tight lip because well I don’t enjoy going there anymore. I’d much rather talk about artificially inseminating rabid leopards or the joys of watching paint dry. (You get where I’m going with that I’m sure.)

But back to the matter at hand shall we. Was Barack wrong for saying he thought the Cambridge Police Dept acted stupidly, let me see…NO! Yep I said it dang it and I meant it. Let’s remove the elephant in the pinstripe suit from the room for a minute if a police officer arrests someone in his own home after he proves that he is not the burglar his neighbor thought she saw breaking into his home that smells a little stupid to me. Maybe I’m wrong.

It’s very possible I am wrong seeing I have no legal background whatsoever besides those four years of criminal justice learnings they gave me at SJU.

Alright I’m letting the pinstriped elephant back in but only briefly because he’s uncomfortable to look at. Do I understand Harvard Dude’s anger (yes I do). It gets real old real quick when you are accused of something for no other reason besides your skin color. (Trust it is not something you get used to and every time it happens it f*cks up your day) Sorry folks it just does. You know like when I went to purchase a Gucci bag from Saks (granted I was dressed very un-Saks like, what my fur coat was in the cleaners sue me!) and security was called to watch me shop. (This is ass biting I mean if I had a wedgie I now had an audience.) Maybe Harvard Dude jumped to an unreasonable conclusion….he might have been wrong…and he might have been right.

Unfortunately, we (general public) will never know because believe it or not neither one of their stories, Harvard Dude or Cambridge Cop is 100 (this is slang it means accurate, carry on). Yup I said it. (This might come as a news flash to some but people lie…I know it’s hard to believe…and here’s the topper Police lie too because guess what before they are cops they are people.) Not that I am calling either one of them liars because I believe each told his true perception of the situation. But that’s the kicker folks it’s a perception of the events not the actual events. Take for instance that the police report read that the 911 caller said two black men were possibly breaking into the home….transcript clears up this PERCEPTION as the caller never mentioned race until prompted and when she did she said she thought one of them (suspected burglars) could be Hispanic.

See that Perception is a sneaky little son of female pooch in heat!

It’s a clear case of cooler heads needed to prevail. Harvard Dude probably shouldn’t have spouted off at the mouth just because he felt some type (this is slang it means disrespected, carry on), assumed or real, and Cambridge Cop probably shouldn’t have arrested an old man who walks with a cane inside of his proven residence…it’s really that simple. The Pres probably should have kept his color commentary to a minimum and only in private said you know that was some shit, pushed it off and solved this here health care crisis. IDK those are just a few of my thoughts.

And to address the initial statement…racial opportunist seeking racial authenticity…that is just balls out dumb. If you want you can tell Michelle Malkin I said it. For one she makes the assumption that in order to belong to a race there is some sort of challenge of color. Hello I was born black no one had me fill out a questionnaire I’m sure the same rules apply for being white although I could be wrong…silly backwards broad. Second chica needs to get herself a dictionary (judging by her wardrobe she can afford it) opportunistic implies that someone derives personal benefit from a particular situation and that benefit is earned unethically…if I were to paraphrase dictionary.com and I am. Explain what type of racial benefit or any other benefit the Pres gets from making a rash statement like that….none and on top of that now he has to buy these two morons a beer and answer the ridonkulous question of whether he is racist.

Seriously Barack racist….I guess he wakes up in the morning and screams I hate you to half of his face.

Clearly I need to have some odd ball race issue happen to me and I will be one step closer to smelling Obama’s cologne. Oops did I say that out loud. Please no one secretly slip the First Lady my blog address, she might send the secret service after me.

Ok folks this was a little winded but I am now off the soapbox and Michelle Malkin, kick rocks…she’s a snippy little biotch isn’t she?

Did I mention I don’t like race talk…this is the last time…I hope!

For someone who never wanted to be a parent Debbie Rowe sure is benefitting from it, and I’m not talking about the tax break. Honestly the thought of having children with Michael Jackson, before he died and became some sort of super savior, made my skin crawl, literally not figuratively but only because I found MJ to be a repulsive ass bandit. Hey love the music not the man. I mean I’m just saying….I know it’s wrong to speak ill of the recently murdered but it is what it is. Would you have left your eight year old son alone with the Gloved One and Bubbles (does anyone know what he did with the monkey) for any extended period of time? OK so point taken right.

But I am moving away from the initial purpose of my post, the child selling whore the lovely ex-wife, Debbie Rowe. She leaked the secret sauce in 2004 that dear sweet Michael Jackson wasn’t the biological father (was there any doubt in your mind) of her tickets to fortune and fame precious children only to be silenced by more money. Some sort of additional ex spouse support because clearly it wasn’t enough to take the 8million deal to slip into the night and never be heard of again. So I presume it shouldn’t be shocking that as the casket closes the glint of dollar bill signs rise yet again for Ms. Rowe. Of course in her defense she never wanted children, she was simply the vessel with which to impart the gifts. Debbie mentioned that once the doctors pronounced her utterly barren following the birth of Paris Jackson, Michael John Hancocked the final paperwork to dissolve the marriage.

One wonders if folks never consummate their marriage if you can even call it that. Personally Michael Jackson besides his alleged affinity for little boys appeared to me as one of those a-sexual types, more interested in grabbing his crotch than using it.

What we are left with now folks is the custody battle to end of all custody battles. I wonder if Katherine is up for the fight. Sources, the truth of this hasn’t been confirmed and Debbie Rowe denies it, indicate that the Breeder would be willing to accept an additional 4m to drop all her claims. Interesting, particularly because had the previous judge at the time of the 8m child auction allowed Debbie to dissolve all parental rights as she requested Katherine might not be in such a pickle.

Hey if all else fails the children will be in good hands with the diva, Diana Ross. She can teach them how to smuggle weed through the airport.

And this brings me to my point (took a minute to get there but you know how I am), WTF? Yes I had to say that. In my opinion (notice I prefaced this, it is my opinion) Debbie Rowe, if the reports are true 8m to release parental rights, undisclosed spousal support and possibly an additional 4m to relinquish the same parental rights from the prior deal, is a money hungry whore. And when I say whore I mean someone who is willing to set aside principles or personal integrity in order to obtain something (money in this case). Why upset the monkey cart these children call lives and try to yank them away from the freaks they call family. Granted the Jacksons are the only people the children know and familiar freaks are better than a mother, and I use that word loosely, willing to sell them to the highest bidder.

And if The Breeder’s a whore Michael Jackson was as dirty as a street peddler for getting in bed, well not literally folks, with such a revolting pig. Not that Debbie is in any way to blame for his behavior they both equally repulse me for this child auction. However, although Michael may have been the moving force without the vessel there would be no children. Money truly does make the world go round.

Of course, I could be being too harsh. Maybe The Breeder is no worse than a struggling college student who sells her eggs to an eager couple. And just maybe Michael Jackson was a misunderstood oddball due to circumstances beyond his control.

IDK but I am off my soapbox for today, what are your thoughts?

“Nothing’s going to ever bring those girls back but I think jury did say what we’ve been thinking all along that this was an accident, not a crime,” Higbee told reporters.

Honestly I can’t say I’m shocked. Law Enforcement Officers clearly adhere to lower levels of the law than the public they are charged with protecting and serving. Of course this comes at a time when I was recently wrongly profiled by some of Philadelphia’s Finest for driving with a black male, as you know this is crime punishable by ruining my whole friggin evening....

Anywho, New Jersey State Trooper, Robert Higbee heaved a huge sigh of relief upon hearing the verdict, not guilty of vehicular homicide. Vehicular homicide involves a death that results from the negligent operation of a vehicle. In general it’s a lesser change than say manslaughter. It is punishable by up to 20 years in prison.

Obviously the jury had some trouble comprehending these 7th grade terms. I on the other hand clearly see the trooper’s behavior as careless aka negligent. So while he likes to point out that this was a tragic accident not a crime I argue it’s both. Just because something happens unintentionally (by accident) doesn’t make it any less criminal. Take for instance if I’m watching my four year Godson and leave him in the room with my known vicious pit-bull to grab a soda out of the fridge and while I’m away the dog mauls him to death, I am at fault. Even though this is a tragic accident it was also careless since I know that my killer pet has the potential to harm a small child if left unattended. And while I didn’t intentionally provoke the dog into attacking my Godson I knew the threat was there if I left him unsupervised. The same goes for the Trooper. He knew there was a possibility that running through stop signs at upwards of 70mph could lead to an accident resulting in death.

Yes I know he was in hot pursuit of a fleeing suspect. In Philadelphia and I assume the same must go for Jersey it isn’t unlawful for police to chase suspects sans sirens or lights. In instances where they are raiding the element of surprise is necessary however, there’s no surprise when a criminal knows you’re following him. In instances where officers are chasing fleeing suspects its ass backwards. Not only is the officer traveling at speeds higher than the allowable limit so too is the suspect. In that case to protect the innocent public it’s in the best interest to provide the warning sirens and lights afforded the cruiser.

If the shoes switched feet and these two teenagers ran a stop sign at 79mph in a residential neighborhood and killed the state trooper, taking him away from wife and child not only would there have been public outcry tantamount to the crucifixion everyone would also be contributing to Mr. Higbee’s offspring’s college fund. I’m not making light I’m just stating the obvious here.

Maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way, someone please shed some light. I look forward to everyone’s opinion of the situation.

Under normal circumstances something like the flu wouldn’t necessarily get my panties in a knot. But with the CDC alert at 5, very Outbreak-esque, I must stand back, take notice and consider what bomb shelter type hide-out I want to secure before it all goes to hell. As it stands Granny SJ probably has the best stocked shelter-dodad and as such that is where I will hang until the contagion passes or is contained to one of the landlocked states I’ll probably only travel through but never stop, like Nebraska.

No offense to anyone from Nebraska I’m sure it’s a lovely place full of fun and fancy.

What I find troubling besides the fact that people are dying from a flu born of a pig is the precautions the government provided. Now unless it’s me the measures being asked of the general public are things that everyone should be doing on a regular basis. Let me refresh everyone’s memory just in case this CDC bulletin hasn’t gotten passed around your office cooler.

• If you or a family member has symptoms do not go to work or school immediately consult your family physician
  
• If you cough or sneeze cover your mouth and wash your hands asap
  
• Wash hands with warm water and soap
  
• Proper wash time is at least 20 seconds under warm running water
  
• Scrub with soap between fingers and underneath nails
  
• Completely dry hands and turn off faucet with paper towel
  

Nowhere does it mention don blue paper surgical mask for fear of catching airborne pork virus. Side note wearing said mask besides being completely useless looks so 17th century measles outbreakish!

Wait did they have those masks then, whatever you get my point, as far as I know there’s no pack of rabid piggies running the streets infecting passersby with their saliva.

Anywho why is washing your hands in particular after using the restroom such a foreign concept? I mean people really the sinks with fragrance filled soaps aren’t there for their health. Believe me it’s not just trivial bathroom décor you know like a full dinner setting in someone’s dining room there simply for shits and giggles. Wash your friggin’ hands and not just the infamous two finger spritzer.

OMG (yes I did just write in full on textese) this reminds me of a lady I’ll call Crazy Side Ponytail from my old job that would finish her lady business in the bathroom, check her makeup in the mirror spritz the tips of her pointer and middle fingers and trollop out of the bathroom. Do you know this dirty wench asked me if I wanted some homemade brownies one day? I wanted to scream of course not who knows what vaginal type bacterium is floating in the nooks and crannies you non hand washer you!

Was that too far?

Digressing I know. The point, people stop getting all crazy, less than .1% of the entire US populous has contracted this flu and no one besides a little baby (this is a tragedy no doubt) has actually died. Not that one death shouldn’t be taken seriously, however, we know or we should know that a baby’s immune system is weaker than a healthy adult. When lively twenty somethings start kicking the bucket that’s when I’ll lock myself in Granny SJ’s basement bunker!

Besides some nasty folk have gotten a lesson in hygiene I am nothing if not happy! See a silver lining exists in every rain cloud.

Unless you live under a rock, you’ve heard about the recent capture of the reported Craigslist Killer. Now I say reported because until twelve jurors (one questions if they will be of his peers since juries in general rarely reflect the accused peers could you imagine a jury composed of twelve med students, taint gonna happen folks) find Ricko Sauve guilty he is simply the reported or the alleged. You get what I’m saying; I won’t sing the guilty song just yet.

Granted the authorities found the victims’ panties in his dresser, planted no doubt by the panty fairy, that doesn’t independently qualify Mr. Markoff as a sex-freak murderer.

Anywho what I find interesting about this story besides the SVU-esque appeal is the lovely fiancée sticking by her man to the end. In the hood, she’d be considered a ride or die chick. For those out of the know that’s when a girl dates a bad boy and he gets arrested for crimes he no doubt committed and said girlfriend continues the relationship as if said criminal is not just that. She visits while in jail and once found guilty regularly travel ridonkulously far distances to out of the way prisons for conjies (conjugal visits) all the while putting money on his books so he can buy smokes and keep jail-gay dudes off his butt hole. (Did I go too far with that description?)

Side note I love it when mainstream goes all ghetto-fantabulous!

Back to my point, what’s with this support you until you drag to me fire breathing pits of hell mentality? It’s like the abused wife sticking with her abuser till death (his or hers, take your pick). Not that Ms. McAllister should pull a complete 180 on the panty bandit but come on now a show of complete support seems a bit too far, in my taste anyway. How does one explain the infamous panties in the bureau or the hollowed out Grey’s Anatomy textbook? Silly coincidence, I think not!

Reports indicate that Markoff told his family and friends not to think about him, if this isn’t an admission of guilt I don’t know what is. Of course he didn’t plead guilty so I presume he’s up for the long fight. With staggering (130K) student loan debt how he plans to pay for a proper Johnny Cochran-type defense team is beyond me. It will be interesting in the months to come to see the assembly of suits forming to make Markoff’s case.

By trial time I wonder if Ms. McAllister will have a change of heart. Probably not, because like so many in love folks blinders take a long time to fade away. I assume when your fiancée gets charged with murdering women (OK one woman and robbing another) he met on Craiglist (not even Facebook or Myspace) the blinders would immediately dissipate but love conquers all I guess.

And this proves the point that there’s someone out here for everyone even if you’re a sexual deviant freak who gets his jollies robbing prostitutes and keeping their panties in a drawer in an apartment you share with your girlfriend. Ain’t love grand!

Far from me to come to bat for a pre-madonna beauty pageant strumpet but lately I’ve been in that Mother Theresa mood. Hey the sun shines on a dog’s ass some days too. Anywho the queen (and I mean queen in the homosexual sense of the word) of all things celebrity gossip, Perez Hilton got his pink briefs in a bunch when Miss CA said she feels marriage is between a man and a woman. As a result Miss CA was runner-up instead of crowned.

Honestly she should consider herself blessed really what happens to girls after winning these crown a pretty girl events, move on to trophy wives. I don’t know like I said I don’t follow these things because well they aren’t interesting/important.

Perez seriously great way to shuck her poor defenseless body under the big bad polarizing topic bus and in her defense Perez set her up since there was apparently only one “right” answer. If the reports are true Miss CA was in the lead and due to “tanking” the homo question she lost the battle, although, she might just win the war as an obvious social conservative.

Sarah Palin comes to mind I have no idea why, could we see a joint ticket Palin/Miss CA 2012?

On the Today Show Perez defended his position indicating that Miss USA/America contestants represent everyone in the states (is he serious this is the biggest load I’ve heard in a long time), they shouldn’t be polarizing or make anyone feel uncomfortable. Obviously this memo got lost in route to Miss CA. She was under the impression she was to tell the truth instead of bat her eyes and repeat world peace is like cotton candy everyone should have a taste (you know the normal dribble that spits out the mouths of mindless twits).

Kudos to Miss CA for sticking to principles and moving beyond the beauty pageant winner script and speak from her heart/head whatever. Granted I don’t share her opinion but I admire her commitment to who she is as a person. More people should learn this trait; the world ain’t about politically correct power. And she did preface her statement with the age old I don’t mean to offend anyone but. Of course someone was going to be offended as a result because that’s just the way it goes….no one can make everyone happy.

And not to blow the lid off this whole issue but news flash Perez everyone doesn’t agree with gay marriage. I know it’s blasphemous! But isn’t that obvious from the constitutional ban that CA imposed forbidding same sex couples to marry not to mention only four of the fifty have laws allowing it. Times are a changing but as you, Mr. Hilton, say Miss USA represents all Americans so maybe she’s actually more in-tuned with the populous than you.

If it were up to me people could marry whomever they want. If Americans believe in separation of church and state this shouldn’t even be a morality battle but one of sheer equality in front of the law. The reason why marriages are allowed tax breaks and all the other privileges that come with the title is because of the legality of the union not the ceremony in front of church and family. It’s the paperwork filed with the state that entitles folks to the goodies. In that case no two people of legal age should be disenfranchised. Who you bump uglies with really has nothing to do with it.

However, what irritates me about Perez Hilton’s reaction…if Miss CA would have lied and took his position or even straddle the fence like so many other wet noodles she probably would have won the crown. But is that what we stand for? Is that what we teach our children, that it’s better to make everyone feel happy even if what you say to them is an ass out lie?

OK today was truly a rant tomorrow back to shits and giggles.

Just the other day I heard a disturbing news byte. A registered sex offender was crying about his ruined life as a result of the undeserving label as a sexual deviant. Under normal circumstances my attitude; you got what was coming to you nasty bastard but I stifled that feeling for a minute to listen to the entire story. You make the decision folks because I could just be out of touch.

As I understand it kids are using their cell phones to send scandalous pics of themselves to friends, boyfriends, FWB whatever (sexting) and the penalty; being charged with disseminating child pornography. As a result of the prosecution they are forced to register as sex offenders. This monogram will follow them for life.

The sexting thing isn’t a new phenomena I guess parents are just catching on but I am digressing.

Digest this for a minute folks and while you do stew on this tidbit. If innocent teenager number one (Billy 16 for the sake of argument) were caught with innocent teenager number two (Claire also 16) having wild monkey sex in Claire’s parents home while angry parents would surely follow no charges could be brought against either teen. Following this line of thought means in the eyes of the law it’s perfectly fine for Billy and Claire to fondle and play just the tip but it’s completely unacceptable and quite punishable by law to e-mail or text body parts they’ve probably seen live and in color to each other.

Not sure about you but I see some problems here. Of course I’m not a parent so I might be way off base. However, I do think its funny maybe not ha ha funny that Claire and Billy can perform the act but can’t capture the goods in photo form. Even funnier or more appropriately odd, that one would go so far to call this child pornography. Granted, the picture is of a minor and satisfies some hormonal teenage sexual urge it’s very different from some crack pot manipulating a 13 year old to perform a taped sex act.

If I am not mistaken, and this is quite possible because I don’t proclaim to be any type of legal guru I just watch a lot of Law & Order SVU, the sole purpose of child pornography laws are to protect innocent kids from deviant adults hardwired to believe that watching ankle biters in the park is a form of erotica. Not only that aren’t we holding children (by nature immature and relatively reckless due to age) to a higher standard than adults.

For the sake of argument if I were to capture the midgets on film and send it to the Spaniard (you know just for the sake of argument) no harm no foul. This is equally immature and no less stupid than if a teenager did the same but since I’m over 18 my lack of maturity isn’t being questioned and no one would accuse me of a crime, just a lapse in judgment maybe.

Bottom line, I don’t get it. Aren’t there enough real criminals to prosecute? Not that this “deviant” sexual behavior should go unpunished. But wouldn’t it be more appropriately handled in the home by parents who should be monitoring their children’s internet and cell phone use anyway. Sorry I grew up in a home with very little privacy so I’m not used to these new parents who blindly trust their children allowing TV and the internet to raise them. Not saying that my parent’s way was the best to rear a child but it definitely stopped me from I don’t know sending pics of Ms. Woochie to horny little boys.

But who am I, just a raving and ranting quarter lifer who thinks scarlet lettering a stupid teenage mistake no more harmful than seven minutes in heaven pedophilia or trafficking kiddie porn completely ridonkulously asshole backwards. Of course I could be wrong and we should definitely seek out the sex crazed maniacs and fill the offender registries with 15 year olds sneaking a peek at their girl/boy friend’s goodies. Yup that makes sense, it’s not like rapists and murderers are running the streets. I know I feel safer knowing that Billy and Claire are getting locked up, don't you?

I’m too young to fully appreciate the prior recession in 2001 because I was in college. Student….broke pretty much the same word only spelled differently unless you’re a trust fund urchin. Side note I remember catching the bus to class after work seeing the student parking lot littered with high end cars that trumped the faculty counterparts. Yes I went to school with yuppies who complained about not having enough money to go skiing and buy that coveted Chanel bag (tough decisions) meanwhile I held down a full and part time job while being a full time student. Someone told me it would make me a better person, yeah OK. Maybe I am jaded, digressing.

Do I sound bitter? Damn my poor parents, I kid I kid Wander!

In any event much like the Little Brother I am blaming all things negative on the recession. While strolling through this week in weird I stumbled upon this article . Granted someone should probably take Ronald McDonald on that “mini road trip” to the hill old decrepit pet on its last leg style but come now. No one has the balls to tell the clown his brand of “food” might single handedly kill the entire southern portion of the continental US but at the same time they have a dollar menu so a little collateral damage is just that. And really why take out this type of frustration on lower level staff, they truly have no say in the menu.

The mini version, it appears a rag tag trio was a wee bit early for lunch on Sunday and when they approached the window to order cheeseburgers and fries or maybe milk shakes and chicken nuggets (throwing that in for dramatic flare) were told no and shots were fired. Not no they couldn’t get some equally artery clogging meal just not lunch, it wasn’t the 11AM cut off just yet. My initial thought, it was probably like 10:55AM (although the article doesn’t say) and they were hemmed up on a technicality and didn’t want to wait the measly five minutes it would take before the menu switched.

The 10:55AM thing is purely speculative. Ridonkulous I know, to go all just laid off ape shit on the window 1 clerk over a little packaged heart attack but hell crazier things have happened. I mean in the past couple of months a woman gave birth to a small tribe and an obese mafiosa was so ginormously round he was given house arrest because his arse couldn’t fit in an Italian cell (must not be super-sized).

Believe me I couldn’t make these things up if I tried. My assessment, it has to be the recession. It’s just easier to blame some external trigger and the in the tanks economy seems a good a place as any to start. Although when you walk into your supervisor’s office to get your review and she says you’re doing awesome but given the state of things you’re salaries being docked and that promotion it ain’t gonna happen, well that is the economy!

What I’m saying is yeah the recession is kinda ass biting, well real ass biting , and I’m tired of the wall street suits I work with giving me stock quotes every 15 seconds like I care, I mean if you start with nothing you really can’t lose much! Not only that it’s on the tip of everyone’s lips. It started hailing the other day and someone told me it was because they are up there in space and the damn recession.

Of course that’s why it’s hailing it couldn’t possibly be anything other than the space program and the recession, why didn’t I think of that! Going forward all craptorrible things that happen are because of the recession.

Yes I am adding a Part II to my Grinds My Gears because some things have just gotten under my skin a bit lately. Not enough to make me go ape shit on anyone in particular but I was just giving some thought to things that make me want to consider the tiniest minuscule possibility of going partly ape shit on people....and folks this isn't limited to any one group I am taking aim at everyone even myself.

Unlike my previous posting about my gears getting ground this one will be in bullet point format not my usual rants of consciousness or atmosphere as Jenn from Of Cabbages and Kings so nicely named it.

The following list of ish that puts my panties in a knot are in no particular order:

• Why does it take the IT department an entire business day to upgrade my computer? It's about the same feeling you have when you leave your cellphone on the counter, I can't operate without my technology. Those damn IT bastards lobbed off my right tit leaving me all discombobulated and off balance, you get my drift I'm sure.

• It irks the hell out of me when people ask to borrow an ink pen.....hello is there any other kind of pen. And really why say borrow you mean keep. No one gives the pen back once he/she leaves your sight and honestly that was the intention.

• The pipes in my bathroom suck ginormous donkey ass, why regardless of plunging lunatic style until tiny beads of sweat roll from my forehead does the drain still remain clogged? I blame my landlords! And to add to that the plunger leaves a rindonkulous black rubber stain in the tub which forces me to work major elbow grease with my Mr. Clean Magic Eraser (this product is awesome, everyone should go out an purchase a handful).

• Why does the chick that sits in the cubicle beside me sigh all day long like those old damsel in distress westerns. Sweetie believe me that won't eliminate the work and you're not meeting a cowboy any time soon. This is flat out annoying as hell!!!!

• Pronouncing creek, crick!!!!! It's a creeeek for God's sake, work with me people.

• Calling a cheese steak a Philadelphia or Philly cheese steak. If it has the title Philly proceeding the steak it's 100% not the real deal. No one from Philly says that, this is borderline retarded.

• When parents allow their children to run similar to a pack of untamed cheetah. If you didn't want to train those little bastards you shouldn't have had them, I am not part of every one's raising children village. I have a Godson and that's all I really need. Keep those suckers on a leash.....figuratively speaking.

• Parents who stroller ride 7 yr olds, unless the kid's suffering from some physical disability make those germ balls walk, this is why we have an obesity epidemic on our hands, y'all have seen the Maury shows with the 200lb 10yrs I'm not the only one thinking this. Side note this has to be uncomfortable for the kids because their feet sweep the floor and are all bent up underneath the bottom of the stroller.

• Hurted, Loveded and Conversate (includes conversating and conversated).....yeah someone needs an English class these are not words!!!! Don't get me wrong I screw up grammar all the time and I use words that don't exist like ginormous but that's my writing and talking style I recognize when I am bastardizing the English language, most don't.

• That I am neurotically opposed to hair anywhere besides my head, if it were cost effective to eliminate hair from every part of my body I would consider. In my former life I've made gentleman shave as well....yes I am that neurotic about it.

• It bothers me when adult women wear white patent leather shoes....normally it's of the knee boot family which is tacky tacky tacky, sorry this is just my opinion.

• Nothing comes on TV anymore besides moronic reality shows that in actuality are very much scripted. What ever happened to sitcoms, OK OK The Office & My Name is Earl are pretty funny but not enough for me to make it home to see them besides everyone has DVR (except me because I refuse to pay Comcast any more of my blood, sweat and tears!)

• TSA workers who refuse to get more bins so I can heap my crap in in order to make my flight on time. It irks the f**k out of me that 20 mindless twits in royal blue sweaters stare at me struggling to smash a winter coat and knee boots into one tiny gray bin, jackarses!!!!!

• AT&T Wireless for making me pay full price to upgrade my phone in between contract upgrades.....they are massive size whack-jobs I know you don't make money off the cell phones you make money off the plans it shouldn't matter if I want a new phone betwixt my contract cycle-LOSERS!

• People who call me and ask if I'm awake.....yeah because I haven't discovered the magic of answering while sleep.

• Servers, waitresses or people in fast food who bridge the top of your cup with their hands.....now I can't drink that because I have no clue if your hands are clean. Here's a same difference story, the other day I'm at Cosi getting a salad and for some reason the cashier copped an attitude because I didn't want her to put my bread in the bag. Look lady you could have been twat twiddling before this I don't want that in my mouth I ain't your man.

• Guys who can't come up with decent date plans or leave it up to me to think of everything, here's a thought grow an imagination you anti-spontaneous dickturd!

• Women who go bra-less over a C cup, wear bras that create cone sword breasts and bras that appears as if you have no bra on whilst your fun bags swing just slightly above your waistband...here's a tip get measured and buy a bra that fits!!!!!!

OK I think that's enough for today but believe me the list could go on endlessly until next time when I feel like airing more grind my gear type behaviors.....odd I feel so much better!

I told myself I wasn’t gonna make a post about the Octo-Mommy. I stopped making jokes in my head that no amount of kegel exercises would ever return her to what once was. And this was before I heard she was a husbandless jobless Angelina Jolie lip injection freak of nature. OK maybe that was a little too harsh. But you get my drift.

Today I wake up and catch a 5 second news clip reporting Octo-Mommy’s been offered 1.5M to shoot a porno. My initial thought, you don’t want to know my initial thought but my second thought was you can’t keep a good media whore down. For that matter you can’t keep a whore of any nature down but that’s a whole other post altogether.

Octo-Mommy’s been running the media circuits like a washed-up child actor trying to rekindle the flame. It wasn’t enough to fade into the background after birthing a litter? To some degree the scrutiny this test tube miracle’s produced is 100% her fault (I mean how often do we actually see assembly line-ish deliveries?). The other half of the blame falls with the American public who love to squeeze a lemon until the last bit of sour juice seeps out.

Yes yes us Americans loves us some gossip!

For some unknown reason we feel it’s our duty to uncover her naughty life secrets as if she doesn’t deserve a shred of privacy. And I guess since she opened wide and exposed the family jewels; so to speak, in some odd way by digging up her dirt we’re giving her exactly what she wants, to feel important and cared about. She’s obviously suffering from some mental condition (BPS- Birth a Pack Syndrome) that’s fueling this un-natural pre-occupation with having children.

It boggles the mind that a sane person, relatively speaking, thinks raising 14 children (some of which are mentally impaired) with no money outside of the tax-payer dollars is a good idea. Somewhere there’s a screw loose folks. Which brings me to my point (I know sometimes it takes me a minute to get there) what doctor in his right mind actually thought helping a jobless single mother sucking off the government’s tit mass produce kids was sheer brilliance? Now it seems not only is Octo-Mommy a stark raving mad lunatic her neo-natal team are a bunch of mad scientists as well. If irresponsibility ever had a face this group of people would be poster children.

All jokes aside isn’t there a screening process for IVF? In my previous post about Egg Donation I ranted about the “process” of becoming just an egg donor. With donation you don’t even have any hands on contact with the kiddies you just pass your DNA in egg form over to a wanting family. And in order to provide the gift o’ life there’s a ridonkulous Fort Knox level staged screening process before you’re even considered a half decent candidate. Whack-jobs just don’t make the last leg of the race.

However, this seems quite the opposite, someone’s turned the process on it’s ass and let any ole podunk chick pop out multiple bundles of cuddly joy. Don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to cock block anyone’s reproductive rights but come on there’s gotta be a limit. In her prior state 6 seems irresponsible but 14 enters the territory of, ARE YOU SMOKING CRACK?

I personally nominate that as the first question before anyone else mounts the stirrups!

Last night I decided to use my gym shoes. Come on no applause necessary from the peanut gallery. I pranced OK I rode the elevator to the first floor and entered the surprisingly up to date gym provided by the wonderful folks at the Marriot in Schaumburg, this made up for sticking me with two full size beds instead of the fabulocity (stole that from Kimora) of a California King. I mean who comes to a hotel to sleep in a child’s bed? Of course I hopped from bed to bed because well they forced me into the double full. Digressing!

To say I was impressed is an understatement with the work out facility. Everything was state of the art in particular an elliptical machine ready with iPod docking station which transformed the internal television (that’s right cable on the dashboard) into a touch screen iPod remote, alls yeah people pump pump pump pump it up!

Instead of the lazy gym go-er quick start I upped the ante and opted for the mountain trek. Not because I’m inherently opposed to lazy gym behavior but the mountain trek provided a visual (again on the internal TV screen) video diagramming my push up the hill. I’m all about the visuals folks. It made me feel all Lewis & Clarkish foraging my way virtually through the hills.

Wait did Lewis & Clark really forage? You get my drift I wasn’t a history freak in high school!

This feeling of wonderfulness towards the Marriot and my whole gymnasium experience came to a crashing halt, why the frig were all the vending machines non operable, no one calls rooms service for a Dr. Pepper (hello 18% gratuity). Under normal circumstances this wouldn’t make me mad but I’d already showered and transformed from work out Faith to get some work done in my skimpy nighties Faith. Not to mention my hair was tied up Aunt Jemima style in a scarf and I didn’t bring suitable bedroom shoes (slippers, flip-flops what have you) with me on the trip.

What a ginormous inconvenience! This meant peeling out of the nighties into semi work attire and putting on my sneakers sans socks, I don’t like how that feels. For some reason I couldn’t locate that other pair of gym socks in my suitcase. Those narsty TSA workers must have grabbed them during the invasion of my bag. Not to mention having to de-Jemima my hair ( I wouldn’t want to be accosted in the hall and asked to to flip flap-jacks) which is a task in and of itself.

All this for a damn Dr. Pepper!

In the whole scheme of things a little caffeine pick me up probably wasn’t worth the effort but I’m talking Dr. Pepper folks and we all know I’m a Pepper, You’re a Pepper…….

You know folks there is but so much television I actually watch. Since the pickings are so slim I keep SVU, CSI Miami and Clean House in my personal TV I actually like rotation. Yes I know one of those things is not like the other, yada yada yada.

OK you caught me every so often I add some frivolous MTV shows like The Hills or The City. Digressing!

You need to spruce all that crime, blood and forensics up with a little funny! Insert Clean House on the Style Network channel 43 (or whatever channel Style is for you, check with your local cable provider I am not a TV Guide)! It served as my every day dose of mayhem and foolishness sprinkled with some adultesque humor a la Ms. Nash and sometimes the Go-2-Guy, Matt Iseman.

Of late there's been no Nash. Sulking in the corner to myself. You can't do the Old Becky/New Becky switch-a-roo. We're talking about the hostess with the mostess. Did you think us regulars wouldn't notice the plump Hispanic woman (not funny) the awkward bird-like white woman (also not funny) or possibly the episode when there was no host at all and Matt attempted to lead the pack of cleaner-uppers?

Side note, Matt please stick to your day job of hammering, nailing and screwing because main attraction you are not but you do a helluva job as side dish. As do Mark and Trish (love the southern twangs).

I want some answers and I want them now. Knowing that Nash took a small hiatus from filming the show to pursue her TV Series Do Not Disturb (it was cancelled by Fox-always trying to keep a sister down) was sad but understandable. Now that that show has flown it's coop why no Nashisms on Clean House. Is this some type of contract dispute, we the viewers deserve an answer. Is she still shooting Reno 911 for Comedy Central?

Recent previews show yet another impostor attempting to fill Nash's shoes. None other than Laura Winslow (I don't know her real name) Yup you heard me the uber good girl big sister from Family Matters may be hosting. Is she even funny? I think a viewer resume review is in order here instead of sticking up with yet another imitation Niecy.

What's even more confusing, the constant and continuous mixed messages. Every new host gets on an says she is covering for Niecy. Every poster or advertisement still has her likeness splashed across it's pages or her voice in the background. How am I to reconcile this behavior? Even Niecy's personal blog indicates a return to the show. WTF gives? Of course her blog is several months behind.

If by chance a Style Network employee/producer is out there reading my blog (chances are slim to none) please find a way to bring Niecy back.

Recently the nosy gnome in my office brought up that her mail continues to get delivered late. Yes I know you need some back story. Here is goes, Mailroom Boy stops by my desk most days, sometimes twice a day. Normally he holds hour long15-20 minute conversations with me about random stuff.

Honestly he's a talker. I don't really know too many men who talk as much as he does but that's beside the point. He brightens an otherwise dull day, such a necessary distraction that I've grown quite accustomed to. Consider Friday sent me into fights of withdrawal when the whole day passed without a sighting. I've conditioned myself to see his lurch-like frame pushing his mail dispensary machine cart. It doesn't hurt that he isn't bad on the eyes. Whatever.

Granted while he's chatting me up he's also delaying mail deliveries. Not to mention he has no reason what so ever to chit-chat with me because I never have any packages. Either way he stops and we hold mostly pointless banter. A smile here a giggle there, some might misconstrue see this flirting and take it out of context. Enter gnome stage left.

First imagine a short, say 5'0" fifty year old woman with long blond hiding gray-black hair in a pony tail with a slight hunch back. Stop laughing, it's not funny! I think she has a hip condition which caused her current upper torso forward walking. Anyway on to the short but irritating as hell conversation. It's almost 4PM AKA close to quitting time. Out of the corner of my right eye I catch the hobbling troll. She approaches my desk with an imp like grin but I continue to listen to my IPOD thinking she is going to hop right by my cube. No such luck.

Gnome: Hey

Me: Hola

Gnome: Well that Mailroom Boy is such a nice guy, isn't he?

Me: Ummm, I guess he seems nice. At this point my antennae are up folks.

Gnome (leaning closer to me so no one else can hear): So.....do you knooooooow him?

Initial thought why doesn't she just ask what she want to know instead of beating this dead horse, it's too late in the day and she's too damn old to play these playground games, ugh!

Me: I'm not following your question, what do you mean by know him. Of course I know him, I was cut off mid statement.

Gnome (giggles a bit): Come on you know it's none of my business really but....do you knooooow him?

Me (the pleasant has left my face at this point): What are you talking about, of course I know him he walks by here every day!

Gnome: No no, well it's none of my business but he stops here and talks to you sooooooo long I just thought maybe you knew him outside of here you know kinda, oh but seriously he's talking to you so long I get my mail late most days, ha ha ha ha.

Me: Yeeeeaaah, no I don't have any dealings with him outside of work. He talks to everyone and if you have an issue with your mail delivery maybe you should speak to him about that. Well I have some things to finish up before I leave, is there something else?

Gnome: Oh...no that was it, I gotta get some work done before I go myself, see you tomorrow.

My ear buds were in before she even started to walk away.

Was I rude?

This mini invasive convo dug into my skin like an underwire breaking loose from an old bra. For the fellas out there think pubes caught in a zipper only you don't have the luxury of scratching your balls in public, cause you know I'm a lady. But I digress.

When she walked away I couldn't concentrate on work and I wanted to prance over to her desk and say what did you expect me to say, yeah from time to time I take Mailroom Boy into the stairwell and touch my ankles.

Oh I forgot, it's not really any of her business.

Yep this conversation was right up there on the list of things that grind my gears. Almost as annoying as when Wander calls me and asks if I'm awake. Hell yeah I'm awake, how else did I answer the phone.

I'm off the soapbox.




If by chance you thought this was a touch on the funny side, take a minute to rate my blog.

Since everyone else is jumping on the bail me out band wagon what's one more sagging industry to stick on the tax payers? And by tax payer I mean me. Me, the girl who goes to work everyday and painfully listens as the actuaries beside me talk numbers to death.

What the hell is so interesting about mathematical triangles? Obviously I missed something in first year algebra.

But I digress. This morning I heard something that made me hit the damn ceiling. Well not really the ceiling as much as the inside roof of the car but you get my drift. If it wasn't enough to take on Fannie, Freddie, AIG and the struggling pick up truck makers of America we (the hoodwinked ailing tax payers) might actually bail out the porn industry. No need to turn the station you heard me right.

Larry Flynn and Joe Francis are on their way to Washington to discuss the preliminaries. Just kidding, but only about them heading to DC part. I am not however joking about the schleppers of all things sex trying to get their sticky paws on 5B of the government's bail out funds.

In the distance I hear the founding fathers moaning in their graves. Oh the nerve of those pornography jackarses! On the flip side one could argue that this is an industry we just can't let fail. I mean how are dirty teenage boys gonna learn the art of not making love and knocking up their girlfriends? This type of tutorial is priceless.

Deep inside I'm agonizing at the thought that High School Gang Bang 4 might go un-produced this year. Where are all those monster hung man-whores and ridonkulously stacked sluts gonna work, Burger King? You already know I have germ issues....I don't feel comfortable letting Ta Ta Toni whip up my onion rings. Don't get me wrong but the last time I checked they didn't teach burger flipping skills on a mattress, table top, bar stool, floor or any other get her done surface. Of course that could be me over analyzing.

Flynn noted that since the economy went on vacation he's seeing a lot less traffic. Oh cry me a river you butt munch! Let me see, is your house up for grabs at the city auction? Are you making a choice between heating your home and feeding your children? Did your manager hand you a pink slip on Friday and say thanks for 15 years of hard work but things are slow right now? No, that didn't happen?

You mean to tell me that the only thing you're complaining about is a couple million less whack offs. Oh wait, this industry is just too big to let fail, or at least this is what I've been force feed into believing in the not to recent past about every other dying commercial enterprise.

At the end of the day what's another 5B to tack on to the growing trillion plus dollar debt?

In 2008 it's hard to meet someone who isn't infected or affected by HIV/AIDS. What's scarier is the fact that over 1 million people in the United States are infected and a quarter of those don't even know. Not knowing your status keeps everyone at risk!

Did you now that 50% of all new AIDS cases in America are for people under 25? Prevention is the key. Although abstinence is the only 100% sure fire way to remain HIV/AIDS free it is not practical. It's simply a disservice to only promote abstinence. In order to thwart HIV in it's tracks we must be cognizant of all the measures needed to keep us safe.

One of the ways to ensure your sexual safety and those of your loves one is to truly understand how HIV/AIDS is transmitted. You cannot get infected by casual contact. Casual contact includes use of public telephones, using public rest rooms, shaking hands or even a casual kiss. HIV lives in blood, semen or vaginal fluid and is transmitted three primary ways:

• Having sex (anal, oral and vaginal) with someone infected with HIV
• Sharing needles and/or syringes with someone infected with HIV
• Being exposed (infant or fetus) to HIV before or during birth or through breast milk

Know your status. For a testing site near your home please visit http://aids.gov/. Before getting involved in a sexual relationship, know your partner's status. If you aren't comfortable discussing your sexual history, consider that the idea that you aren't mature enough to engage in sex at all.

Always take precautionary measures even if you're in a committed relationship. Employ the use of condoms and spermicide when engaging in any type of sexual behavior. If not you can become a part of the growing group of young adults living with HIV/AIDS. Seventy percent of people living with HIV in 2006 were between the ages of 25 and 49 (770,000 persons) which equates to the entire population of South Dakota. Before we wipe any more states off the map let's get out there and:

• Understand the ways HIV is transmitted
• Know your status and keep it up to date
• Know your partner's status
• Continue to use condoms and spermicide