A Quarter Life Crisis

I've moved on from this blog but I don't have the heart to take this down. Please check me out at http://snarkyasiwant2b.wordpress.com/

Of late I’ve been staying up to catch the shenanigans over at VSB. The blog is very well written and takes a sometimes comical approach to men, women and this thing we call love and relationships. New posts arrive promptly at the stroke of 12AM and then the magic happens. The comment lounge has become my hangout spot…I feels at home even though I’m just a lurker.

Yesterday’s post penned by Champ, “If Women Ruled the Dating World Would Monogamy Still Exist?” got me thinking about what it means to truly be 100% monogamous to someone. It also made me lose a bit of beverage, specifically at this…there’s absolutely nothing more damaging to the well-being of society than an abundance of perpetually sexually frustrated men. (Why? Well, perpetually sexually frustrated men kill random people and occasionally kill random people in bulk). Touche!

Is it possible to be monogamous, the practice of having only one mate at a time? In our society we are told that the rightful order of things goes something like this:

Boy and Girl meet
Boy pursues Girl
Girl agrees and accepts Boy’s pursuit
Courtship begins
Love blossoms
Boy and Girl marry (promising to love, honor and do the grown up with only each other)
Girl and Boy have 2.3 children and live happily ever after

What the storybook fails to mention is that life rarely happens this way. I would argue that even though our goal is monogamy it is not our practice especially with research suggesting a 30-60% chance that your partner will commit some form of infidelity. We all fall short. In reality we subscribe to assumed monogamy and to some degree live happily as long as we don’t see, hear or smell cheating. Even with good intentions sometimes something new is just that something new. I’d even argue that is it 100% possible to cheat, for lack of a more technical term, on your significant other and still 100% love that person. Variety is the spice of life and not for nothing every person is not great at everything. This is not to say that monogamy is impossible but damn if it ain’t highly improbable.

Case in point the person who fixes your car is probably not the same person who does your taxes. In our society folks specialize, becoming an expert in one area of life while just being average or ok in others. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this and hell that’s the way capitalism made us. Renaissance men are a needle in a haystack which means finding emotional support, financial assistance and chexual satisfaction in a single body, in this day is damn hard. I’d even go out on a limb and say that most of us compromise on one or more of these things in order to fit the monogamous model society set for us. As a result of said compromise some, remember 30-60%, fall weak at the feet of a specimen possessing one of your compromised elements.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with compromise because let’s face it, most of us aren’t hitting the mark on all the items I mentioned above either. Accept that you’re a specialized being as well and hope that someone is willing to compromise your hashish and call it love.

But even knowing the above I would still argue against Champ and say that if I ruled the world, I’d free all my sons…oh wait that’s a song. What I mean to say, his thought process is not off balance in theory. (And let’s be clear his theory was focused on polygyny meaning a man can take more than one wife not polyandry where a woman can take more than one husband.) In theory women are driven by security more than anything and it would stand to reason that being a sister-wife provides more security than a single-wife. But only if we equate security to finance, to site Champ…one seven figure earning man can support 10 women easier than one $50k a year guy can support one. For some women security (and when I say security I mean financial security) is the only thing that matters. I’m not sold that financial security drives all women today though. Like communism while fantabulous in theory hits a big not gonna happen wall in practice.

In sheer numbers alone this can’t work. I could be wrong but I think the US population is about 300 million. Half of that being able bodied adults so 150 million. Based on the US economy, only 0.1% (150,000) of US households earn a seven figure salary and that figure includes women. For the pure funk of it, let’s say that that number does not. Multiplying that figure by 10 (assuming that one seven figure gent could handle 10 women successfully which I doubt given my taste for Gucci handbags) it would still only cover what 1% (1,500,000) of the adult population. Of course my numbers could be wrong since I only took Excursions in Mathematics and White Collar Statistics in college.

While we’re at it let’s be even more realistic and say that a lot of women, sorry chicas I am a proud card carrying member of the titay committee, can be batsh*t crazy when it comes to romantic love. Must I bring out the cracking e-mail/cellphone generalized internet stalking cookbook written by and for women? Did I need to go there? Those things alone clearly point to the fact that most women aren’t down with OPP.

Of course there’s always a wrinkle to this theory. Honestly I believe any woman married to a politician, famous actor or sports star knowingly practices a form of polygamy. Yes that is my opinion. You are free to disagree. Knowing that slores follow money and power and men are generally swayed by poon if thrown hard enough it would be borderline retarded to believe any of these men are faithful. Yes I am a cynic. But seriously if Troy Polamalu type men were in my face everyday offering the peen with no strings I’m not sure how long I could turn that offer down. Honestly I’d break out of sheer want to try it-ness. Temptation is a snaggatoof bish.

Additionally I’m not silly enough to believe there aren’t women who prefer mistress status, especially since 2010 was a Ho-a-thon. I can’t remember a better year for the Ho in all my 29 years on this planet. Ho aspirations hit an all time high. And not for nothing Hos stayed winning this year*cough*Alicia Keys*cough* with the exception of Kat Stacks. The 1% discussed above swallows up knowing polygamist and gutter butts. Unfortunately that leaves a whole 99% of the female population that won’t get down with the get down for the sheer mathematics or the batsh*t craziness of it all.

At the end of the day if women ruled the dating world I don’t think it would be any different than it is today. People believe and agree to monogamy while practicing pseudo polygamy. Meaning, that on the surface we are with one person while secretly entertaining others, if you don’t believe this you have no better place to look but to the 30-60% infidelity rate. Clearly lots of folks aren’t practicing what they preach. Hell folks go to great lengths to live in a world of oblivion about their significant other’s outside trysts. Ignorance is bliss.

Maybe I’m jaded, what do you think?

This morning I learned something fascinating about my cat. Actually it’s not really fascinating as much as it answers questions and proves that I’m not losing my mind. Sometimes I leave items on my kitchen counter and walk into my living room or my bedroom to get something, answer my phone, or catch a glimpse of Troy Polamalu, whatever. When I come back into the kitchen said item will be on the floor. Granted The Little Brother is an odd ball at times I know he’s not a child and wouldn’t just knock something on the floor and walk away. But with no other human in the house who could have done such a thing, dramatic squirrel. As it turns out Benson my sometimes couch snug-bud when the Little Brother isn’t looking can jump onto the kitchen counter. Ain’t this a bish!

Back story, I have two cats because the Little Brother felt one cat might get lonely. Benson is the alpha male. He dominates poor Stabler to the point that I question if there is a domestic violence situation I should report to the vet. Stabler displays abused wife/child behaviors. When you reach for him he shrinks away as if you want to hit him. This is not by either my hands or those of my brother, we don’t believe in animal cruelty so I chalk this up to the kamikaze-esque attacks Benson levies on Stabler during the day. However, Stabler is agile. He leaps higher, runs faster and overall out athletes Benson. I guess he has to, given Benson’s abusive nature. Not to mention Benson is probably about 5-10 noticeable lbs overweight.

But now I know all of Benson’s laziness is nothing but an act, sneaky bish. This morning I was cutting an apple that I planned to take for my all day snack (I eat apple slices periodically throughout the day, one because apples are natural breath fresheners and two because they are delicious). In the middle of chopping I noticed that Benson stole my purple stripped gloves out of my purse. As I ran after him with the angry voice, angry voice only works on canines, he eventually tired, because he’s fat weight challenged and dropped them in the middle of the living room floor. As I stooped down to pick up my gloves I hear the knife fall to the kitchen floor, dramatic squirrel.

Knowing my brother is in his room I dash to kitchen with shoe in hand ready to assault the assailant with the heel only to find Benson on the counter. WTF!!! Although he should have been the one in shock to be caught with his pecker in a cheap ho he just gave me that whatever bish look, hopped down and began drinking his water. Are you serious, at least this is what I was thinking? Benson is a lying ass ninja cat that’s been wooling (do you like how I made wool a verb) my eyes for years about his actual physical fitness. That noticeable 5-10lbs of overweightness (yup just made that one up) clearly isn’t stopping him. Granted I thought Stabler given his athleticism could easily hop on the counter but given his meek manner he accepts that the window seal is the highest place in the house he’s allowed. Not that bish Benson.

After the shock of the situation wore off I yelled to my brother explaining what had just happened. His response, “You know what, that’s because he’s fat!”

I try not to delve into the logic that is The Little Brother but sometimes he says stuff like that and I can’t resist.

Me: What? You realize that makes no sense right?
The Little Brother: Huh, everything that Benson does is because he’s fat.

I sincerely hope he was trying to be funny.