A Quarter Life Crisis

Earlier I decided that I was gonna post about Barbie (that bad ass tattoo having harlot). But then I said to myself, Faith (because I use my formal name when I talk to myself) pretty much every humoblogger will have something to say about that hussy so I figured I’d make good on my promise to post about 21 Jump Street leaving the island.

Disclaimer: This is gonna be a long one boys and girls settle in and enjoy!

It’s official! If I believed in sad song funerals we could play this but we all know I throw parties ( in my head celebrating the person’s life) when folks pass so chew on this oldie but goodie! After not snooping The Nurse Friend and I stumbled upon some interesting information about 21. Let me give you some back story first.

21 and I have known each other since my freshman year in college. A backstabbing bitch former friend introduced him as a guy she was at the time dating which is girl linguisticals for think of him as fugly because he is way off limits! An almost lawsuit later I learn that former friend (after graduating and running into 21) and 21 Jump Street never dated and he was in no way ever interested in her. Quite the contrary he kept coming around because his compadres took a liking to former friend’s chicas. Not to mention that former friend actually told 21 (when he asked about me) that I was dating Male Nurse Friend.

WTH, that cock blocking gremlin!

Anywho after that chance meeting, a few years back 21 and I started hanging out but our “status” was in constant flux. Were we friends, more than friends play cousins….you get my drift. I mean I even made this boy plates of food, what the hell was I drinking? OK I admit to the 15yr old girl crush but like I said when I met him he was off limits so I pushed it down and it kinda felt awkward letting it out.

Fast forward a little, The Best Friend said I should just hop on his face, she’s nasty like that but what she met was I should tell him how I felt. It’s funny with guys I truly like there’s a constant rejection fear that impairs my actions. Of course I let the moment pass and little by little we just stop speaking or more accurately fell off speaking regularly. We would send an occasional text, which I guess in retrospect was our (both 21 & I) way of reminding the other that there was something “else” there.

We never discussed this infamous else, ever!

Then Nurse Friend and I plan the New Years Eve soiree. No need to dwell on the details I was off my asscotch drunk. Needless to say 21 actually swung by with his rag tag group of friends. Designer Jeans took a liking to The Nurse Friend and I spilled my guts to 21 about years of crushing to which he reciprocated. Jackpot, cue this song.

After getting the monkey off my chest I was fine to let it lie. Truly I was, remember at the start of the year I started seeing Jersey Boy. It was short lived and rightfully so but at the time I was seeing someone else. Suddenly the text messages start flowing from 21, the bomb shell text that sealed the deal was his phantom, I miss you! I thought, Faith it could happen this time, the good Lord puts people in your life for a reason or a season.

At the same token I was cautious, and it didn’t hurt that I was on assignment for work in Chicago for several weeks so there was little that I could do anyway. I’m home by Valentine’s Day. Nothing special but we hung out along with Nurse Friend and Designer Jeans. It was nice, I smiled. But I told Nurse Friend that something was off, outside of the lbs he’d gained since I’d actually seen him last (can’t count the soiree as I was drunk and mildly in heat or so I am told).

She agreed there was something rotten in Philly. Again I wasn’t that phased because in between 21’s randomness I met the greatest most sexalicious Spaniard this world over on my way to the airport, remember I was on assignment in Chicago. And of course there was Mailroom Boy (did I mention he is winning so many cool points these days).

Let me set the stage here I am honest with everyone, no one is under the impression I am seeing him exclusively, alrighty back to 21’s Demise.

In the past week or so I started up a social networking page. With any social networking page you search out and seek those you know to add as friends. Well of course I am going to add 21 among others. Wonderful, the first thing I noticed which I thought was slightly odd, 21 doesn’t have his relationship status showing. Of course he doesn’t have his political or religious views showing either so this could be nothing, again female overanalyzationism taking over. I move on.

A few days later, I’m online and decide to rummage through friends' pictures. Believe me no intentions of snooping here folks, that’s not my way. In general I am pretty direct. I run across a picture on his page with the caption that makes a reference to 21 Jump Street being someone’s boyfriend. Picks up her imaginary detective hat and badge Letting my fingers be the guide I click away to this person’s page. There’s another picture which clearly references him as this girl’s boyfriend. Interesting!

Later that night I enlist The Nurse Friend. She loves this kind of stuff. After some clever page skimming she uncovers that not only is he boo-ed up he is in fact a live in boo. Cue the violins people the ship is sinking!

My lesson, even nice guys can lie. I thought we were at least better friends than this, and minus my drunken night he came after me.

Side note, what does one say to his girlfriend in order to leave their mutual dwelling to be with someone else on New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day…….

Oh the icing on this cake after posting my status on the social networking site stating even nice guys lie, 21 thinks we need to have a face to face conversation, dare I say about what LMAO!!!!!!!

Don’t get overly excited I didn’t say go horizontal (there was no freaky sneaky this weekend) I said go vertical which means scale ginormous ridonkulous sized walls while hanging from a bungee type rope thing. It was Nurse Friend’s birthday activity weekend and as a group we went in-door rock wall climbing. Nurse Friend invited some of her other friends (Just Friends Ex, Half of the Double Mint Twins and The Pittsburgh Popper) to join for the festivities. Of course The Best Friend came along for the fun and I also invited Mailroom Boy.

Since I am on the fence about Mailroom Boy, I decided that a group event was a better way to break the ice in terms of “dating.” I’m sure the Work Gnome will be happy to hear that we’re getting to know each other, see this post for insider secrets. I never noticed how skinny he was until he was strapped in a rock climbing harness and spider manning up a wall. That’s beside the point really. Did I forget to mention he showed up so late he only did one climb and nearly missed the entire group outing all together? Supposedly his grandfather summoned him early morning to fix a bookshelf or some such thing that extended way into mid afternoon. I mean the fun extravaganza started at 1:30, oh how I hate colored people time!

My untrusting nature doesn’t really believe this but he was very cute outside of his work clothes so I kinda let it go.

While scaling the walls (not really scaling for me as I hit my bad knee against the wall and didn’t make it to the top-I already feel like a loser no need to rub it in) I missed calls from 21 Jump Street and The Spaniard. 21 Jump Street I suspect was really on a feeler mission for Designer Jeans who happens to have a hard on for Nurse Friend. Unfortunately for Designer Jeans that both he and 21 Jump Street need a few lessons in dating intelligent girls, we are always thinking one step ahead so the lies and “game” will only get you but so far.

Side note we uncovered a small mystery late last night so 21 Jump Street is really off the island this time- I might post about it later.

The Spaniard, he was returning my call from early morning but didn’t leave a message. I later (yesterday) dealt with a pissy attitude about me never being available when he wants to talk, see me yada yada yada. In some circles this extreme like is cute but also a little off setting, The Nurse Friend said it could be the first sign of being possessive (us women-folk and our over-analyzationisms). I don’t know if I can take it that far although we girls do seem to favor object-esque treatment a la Rihanna (she’s signed up for another ape shit beat down)! I could be stumbling into the realm of my inner abused girlfriend.

All in all going vertical was quite fun minus the bruise on my left knee. I can totally see us going back/including this funness into our normal things to do. My all time absolute favorite moment of the outing was when Half of the Double Mint Twins made it to the top and the instructor told her to get into the seated position and let go of the wall. If you could have seen the snarly half bottle necking are you out of your mind look Half gave the belayer you’d probably be laughing right now (I am but that’s because I have a better frame of reference).

For this month we have another out of the norm activity planned for The Best Friend’s birthday. She’s sure to like it although it doesn’t involve her main food group, men!

Happy Valentine’s Day, well Happy Belated Valentine’s Day to all my readers. Hopefully the holiday brought you all the love your mind can understand and your heart can hold. For me, the holiday brought clarification and confirmation.

Let me run through the quick list of usual suspects. 21 Jumpstreet failed to respond to my general text message to everyone wishing him or her a Happy Cupids’ Day. The Spaniard was ever so attentive and since we had plans tentatively schedule the day after V-Day and things are new I didn’t feel I should burden him with the whole holiday superficial stuff. Mailroom Boy did respond with a short but sweet Happy Valentine’s Day, Faith. I considered this the olive branch since I demolition derby-ed his lunch date Friday.

Sometimes work trumps pleasure, Momma’s bills must get paid!

Officially I was Valentine-less. But even being without a Valentine wasn’t going to deter me or Nurse Friend from celebrating the superficial joy the season has to offer. The Best Friend was being a bit of a sour puss which I guess is to be expected given the recent break-up (I have stopped counting) with her baby daddy, I hate this term. She claims she doesn’t care but I was a little heartbroken to see them give up yet again. Odds are, based on my personal non professional assessment of their situation that in another year or so they will give it go again.

I went on a small tangent for a moment but if you’re a regular you’re probably used to my stream of consciousness style. Believe me a point is coming soon, I promise.

Nurse Friend and I decided to go single lady for V-Day bowling. Why, because we didn’t feel like staying indoors watching the sappy chick flicks playing on every station memorializing a holiday that we weren’t a part of. We invited a few of the regulars who all cancelled due to inclement weather (it flurried for 2 nanoseconds and everyone was acting like a blizzard hit town). I blame this entirely on depression over the idea of being single on Valentine’s Day.

I presume there’s a memo that reads if you’re single on V-Day you’re a loser. A memo obviously too many read and believed!

Eventually our bowling a deux was invaded by 21 Jumpstreet his friend, Designer Jeans and a tag along. They made sure to make it to the bowling alley after the stroke of 12 as to not confuse this “by chance linking up” with any resemblance of a V-Day date. Those two nonchalant artists are full of….anyway. Our two months of trash talking was not in vain as we mopped (won by 6 points) the floor with 21 Jumpstreet and Designer Jeans. The Tag-a-long well he was just that a tag-a-long.

Here comes the confirmation and clarification. The whole night I wished someone else was there…..what I clarified, 21 Jumpstreet is a good guy funny and even a bit of talker if you bring it out of him but the whole time I was wishing the friendly banter was shared with someone else. Friends I think his boat has sailed without ever docking. Regardless I think we will be homies (his word not mine) for life.

This could also be me being slightly shallow because 21 packed on a few lbs. I noticed this at the holiday party. I mean it’s nothing a little LA Fitness Membership and modified diet can’t fix but well his new appearance isn’t really my cup o’ tea.

We still had fun minus my trip down shallow Faith lane. Plus we beat the boys which is always fun especially listening to them pout and make up ridonkulous excuses for losing. What topped off my weekend though was spending Sunday with the Spaniard, ole!!!! It started with a pretty intense cardio workout (guess I need to dust my LA Fitness Membership off the shelf) and ended with a relaxing massage in the sauna.

Side note the sauna while doing wonders for my skin did a number and a half on my hair which had me at the Best Friend's house with a hot comb.

It goes without saying that I like this guy because no one ruins my hair without proper notice or payment for fixing. And there you have it folks I confirmed over a weekend dedicated to amore that one you don’t have to have a Valentine to celebrate the season (hell I psuedo celebrated with two boys) and two I do in fact have the hotties for the Spaniard. Of course my heart and mind change like the wind so let’s see what happens tomorrow!

Don't get me wrong I am way on team Barack but does it ever seem like he's a rock star? Not in the trash pricey hotel rooms rock star kinda way but in that inspire a generation type of way. He's got a Bono-esque appeal about himself. I'll admit while I never listened to a Bono song in it's entirety when he gets up and starts going on about going green and the starving kids in Africa for some reasons I'm all ears. Barack houses that same magic. When he steps on stage whether you love him or hate him you want to listen. Maybe it's just me I do have an adult crush on the man.

Michelle I am working on my issues, don't worry the secret service probably already have my picture.

But I'm not deluded either. I recognize that Barack while uber scrumptious intelligent is just a man. He's not packing a pocket of fairy dust and today after he takes the walk all will be calm and settled with the world. It took us a long time to get into the hole and it's gonna take even longer (my novice opinion) to get out.

We mustn't messiah-tize Obama and think that with a finger snap broken will be fixed. This ain't the movies kids. And while some days I wish it were, you know cause they can cast Sanaa Lathan to play me in the big screen adaptation of this is my life, there isn't always a dashing knight rushing in to rescue the damsel in distress. Outside in the real world damsels must tighten their boot straps and wrestle through the murk along side the knight. No one's getting a get out of jail free pass these days. Folks hit the hardest by this hole lost fathers and brothers and sisters and uncles and aunts and cousins not just a job.

Don't get me wrong there is hope. I like to think that Barack is a perfect symbol of perseverance and determination. I won't tell a t-waddy (lie) in my lifetime I never imagined seeing a black president. It's true! My experience taught me that feat was an impossibility. But that goes to show what self induced limitations can do for a person or group for that matter. With an overjoyed mind and heart bursting at the seems I watched this nation elect Barack Obama. The moment was priceless and memorialized with a tear that I let slip down my cheek in front of friends (you know it had to be touching cause I don't cry in front of anyone).

But do you know what the bigger shining light is, the thing that makes today even more heart warming....I will never have to refer to Dub-ya as my president again in life. See-ya lata frenemy with your Texas twang and your moronic stare.

How about chewing on these Bushisms:

"How can you possibly have an international agreement that's effective unless countries like China and India are not full participants?" --George W. Bush, Camp David, April 19, 2008

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."


Rock on Barack, Rock on!

After a small (ok extended with little stops in between but no major dating since Mr. Bengali) hiatus from the scene I am jumping back in the saddle. That's right people the FF (fierce flirt) is back in action. OK OK I actually feel edged, pushed damn near thrown into the saddle kicking and screaming. Reason being, I'm tired of Little Brother's sneaky little thoughts of lesbianism and Wander imagining lonely nights surrounded by eight or nine felines. Honestly she knows I would prefer canines, kitties are so sneaky but I digress.

In all actuality it comes at a time when I normally dump the phone of old, used up never gonna call them again numbers and re-up on fresh entries. Every new year the resolutuon remains the same, New Year New Dudes. Insert-Mailroom Boy, yes I think I will give him a chance, if he shows face at the holiday soiree. Yup folks that's personal growth in a little less than a month I've swallowed the big girl pill and come to terms with my issues see this posting. The Best Friend would be so proud. Oh to be honest maybe I took half the big girl pill because I also had some all up in his business conversations to confirm he's more than the surface.

And he likes icecream, that's always a treat right?

Preparation for the date tonight with Jersey Boy is needed. Side note should I take this Noreaster-ish weather as a sign that I should remain in my self induced non dating status?

Hmmm, I wonder!!!

In any event, I must brush up on the Faith do's and don'ts of first dates.

Do's:

• Choose a comfortable place (semi familiar to both parties so no one gets lost)
• Be on time (this is not a job interview but it's rude when people arrive late especially with no warning text or phone call)
• Remember to smile and give eye contact (no one wants to feel like he/she is out with a serial murderer or some mad scientist-unless you're into that and if so whatever floats your boat row)
• Ask semi in-depth questions that spark conversation (respond when someone talks and listen to the other person's answers-uncomfortable silences are reserved for relationships not get to know meetings)
• Always set a time limit beforehand so there's no oddness or weird moments at what appears to be the close of the date (but don't double book (double bookings are reserved for already established relationships) in case it's going really well and you might want a night cap)

Don'ts:

• Don't wear your freakum dress (yes skanks that means you put the ta tas away for one night and be a lady-it won't kill you)
• Don't answer your cell phone or respond to text messages all night (yeah this is real rude and makes it look like you're dis-interested in the date which could be true but there's no need to show your ass)
• This is a major don't-whatever you do don't monopolize the conversation (no one likes an arrogant know it all)
• Don't forget your wallet (this goes for men and women, while in the years of dutch dating everyone should bring reinforcement-although men chivarly goes a long way don't expect the girl to pick up the tip just because you took on dinner and girls don't expect dinner to be forked up by the gent ah equality it burns)
• DON'T GET DANCE ON THE TABLE DRUNK!!! (I don't think this needs any further explanation and I stole this from Nurse Friend's Handbook not that I don't agree)

This is the short list and I have the non freakum dress outfit picked out and ready to go for tonight if I brave the weather. Wish me luck folks for getting back on this stead and riding him into the stable.

Oh come on people not literally-ha!