A Quarter Life Crisis

Arriving back home from vacation is bittersweet. Miami bronzed my skin and relaxed my mood like no one else could. The beach was amazing and the rooftop pool at the Marriott gets two thumbs up! Mother Nature even stopped rearing her ugly head and provided some stupenderful weather days for the trip. For that I must give her a virtual high five.

Of course she did get me back by way of sunburn. Yep don’t re-read that last line I am all types of sun burnt along my back, the midgets not to mention my rudolf (aka nose) is looking a bit flakey as well. It wouldn’t be that bad if my skin didn’t feel like rawhide and look like I’d been whipped for stealing. It’s a small price to pay. Additionally my hair….baaaaabyyyyy! Chile my hair is all types of Celie from the Color Purple….ok that’s dramaticals but the silky silky is curly curly. I had to let the natural curl out the box…I think some people were shocked to see it. Hell I shocked myself but I couldn’t help it after a couple of dips in the pool and a sprint in the ocean I let go of a long time hang up. Don’t worry the silky silky will be back Friday.

If I never see another speedo it will be too soon. Kidding most of the gents walking the sand in nut munchers were in great shape a la Michael Phelps. Of course the steroid freaks whose arses swallow the tiny shorts don’t look all that great to me but to each his own really. And on a side note…much much prettier women than attractive men, no lesbo.

And a quick question to the lovely folks of South Beach, does everyone drive a fantabulous cars??? I mean seriously my friends and I were eating breakfast at Jerry’s Deli on 14th and Ocean and watched a lineup; Bently, Lambo and Rolls Royce. WTH, a little jealous…maybe!

Good drinks and late nights that’s how I would describe the trip. Of course Nurse Friend found out that at any random moment I break into song. She listened to my crazy rendition of Rihanna’s Please Don’t Stop the Music and La Cucaracha. Nurse Friend was only impressed with Rihanna, somehow La Cucaracha wasn’t a big hit. In addition she said I’m addicted to bathing. I believe I took at least three showers per day…whatever I like to be clean! Nurse Friend swears that no one showers before going to the pool, this is news to me. I called her dirty just joking of course.

Before we left I had to make sure to pick up a magnet for Granny SJ. It’s a sort of running tradition that every time I go to a new city I bring back a magnet for Granny SJ’s fridge. Anywho while shopping we ended up in this store called 9th Chakra. Now I am not into the mystical crystal thing because well I believe in Jesus. I don’t mean that to be demeaning or religiously superior, whatever makes your boat float, row but I give my problems to the Lord. But anyway while in the store I was drawn to this one stone, Rose Quartz. I was surprised to see this stone is associated with my astrological sign, Virgo.



Rose Quartz: Stone of Love and Relationships. Brings about nurturing and kindness, heals the heart and helps develop unconditional love. Soul mate finder.

This I find to be very interesting considering my home life recently. I smiled and purchased a pocket version of the stone. I don’t know why but I did it against my better judgment. What harm could it do really…which brings me back to the bitterness of returning home. I have to face the reality of my personal life which I escaped just briefly in Miami.

As I mentioned He Who Must Not Be Named called shortly before the vacation to tell me that he missed me, he was sorry he didn’t mention the whole wife situation and oh yeah his cousin died the day of the wedding (fell off the roof or some such nonsense…if he was getting married why the frig would he be on a roof?). Of all of these things the one I most believe, he misses me. I have no faith in him! I presume a full adult conversation putting all the cards on the table is due besides the whole don’t f*cking call me again!

Oh should I add that I ran into 21 Jump Street’s live in friend/girlfriend on the plane back to Philly. Story of my life I guess. Don’t worry we didn’t have a Housewives of Atlanta moment- she doesn’t even know who I am and not about to go there because there’s no reason for it. No use upsetting her monkey cart, his deceit will come to a head.

Small note I did kinda miss Mailroom Boy while I was away, thought about him a lot some good some not so good….what does that mean peoples?????

Over the weekend Wander and I spent some quality time together. It was nice. Since purchasing the poochie, Sasha, for my mom she’s been less aggressive with her phone calls. In the past I would get 3-4 random calls per day from Wander for no reason. Sometimes she would just call to say she called earlier but I failed to answer. I‘d follow up by asking her the reason for her earlier call to which she normally replied that she just wanted to know if I was awake.

Did I ever tell you that I hate when people call my phone and the first question asked is if I’m awake. This comes from the world o’ Wander folks.

Not to mention the benefit of not having her call continuously for any arbitrary purpose has actually reinforced my want to speak with her. As I am recapping this sentence in my head it almost sounds like I dislike my mom, to the contrary I totally heart Wander….in doses. There is an uneasy balance between mothers and daughters and I think we’re finally approaching just the right amount of oil and water. It’s a refreshing surprise because she’s not annoying the hell out of calling me so often so I’ve actually opened up much more in particular sharing my dating situation. Suddenly we’re more like old friends rather than caged WWE wrestlers in a ladder match for the belt (not that I watch this nonsense-OK maybe when I was little but only because the man Wander married made me). Not that we ever had any fist fights…OK there was that one time when Wander jumped from behind a door all covert ninja style but no one was hurt during that mini altercation.

I’ve said all that to say that over the weekend Wander shared a tid-bit of information with me that left me a touch perplexed. OK at first I did burst out laughing but then as I thought a little further of the implications of said comical story I was not comfortable with it.

Last Sunday Granny SJ was at church and noticed that one of the deacons, who conveniently calls my Grans by a pet name only my Grand Daddy used needed a lift home because his normal chauffer didn’t attend service. All seems well and good right.

I am still a bit uneasy with said deacon’s reckless abandon and calling of Granny SJ by the term of endearment reserved for my Grand Daddy but I am digressing.

As church ended and the elders of the flock frolicked outside, mostly gossiping about who didn’t pay his/her tithes and why the young folks don’t get dressed to come into the house of the Lord one of the ladies asked the Deacon if he was alright on getting home since his normal escort of sorts was out of commission.

The Deacon replied: Don’t worry about it Granny SJ’s riding me!

If you didn’t chuckle at this part in the story please re-read the last line and put on your inappropriate slang sexual act hat, this might help.

Granted when Wander relayed this story to me I laughed. Actually I laughed till I cried because it tickled me so much that one people over 60 actually use the slang term ride for….er you know what I’m saying and two that well no just one really! Granny SJ must have gotten a kick out of it as well since Wander reports that both she and my grandmother laughed a bit about Grans riding the Deacon. I just hope this ride isn’t going down on church property.

And here’s where I am uneasy. Is the Deacon trying to put the moves on Granny SJ? Oh I don’t like that at all. I do recognize that we all need companionship but my Grand Dad’s passing is very fresh for me and I presume it is fresh for everyone else. Sometimes I walk into Granny SJ’s house and can still smell my Grand Dad’s lingering cigarette or total recall hugging him before leaving the house and how his lip whiskers tickled my cheek. I am ginormously opposed and soooooo not remotely ready for some weird Deacon to sit in my Grand Pop’s chair, nope not ready at all. So as for the riding, the Deacon needs to go back with whatever other lady of the church was riding him and leave my Grans out of it completely.

That is my opinion and I’m sticking to it!