What is this life about?
Sometimes at night when I hug my pink and green blanket that was so nicely knitted for me by a friend’s girlfriend I wonder if I’ll ever have the perfectly fulfilled life of a modern day super woman: a career that pays the bills with extra to buy fierce heels and handbags as well as a comfortable home life with a sezylicious husband and 2.5 children. Granted I never understood how one has 2.5 children I mean either you have 2 or 3 but I’m sure you get what I’m saying.
During my scans of the blogger world I find myself most interested outside of folk who live stupenderful singles lives equally drawn to chiquittas who blog about family life (mostly stay at home moms). On some level I presume I want that too. It’s seems to be at polar odds with everything that comes out of my mouth but on some elemental level I want to be someone’s wife…I think.
Well at least this week that’s what I thought about. Believe it or not people I even gave serious thought to being an ahemmom! (Shuddering a little in a corner, didn’t come to a conclusion) Nope you didn’t read that last line wrong. I actually sat down and had a one-on-one with Faith and said damn it don’t you think you have something to offer the world? When I take the long walk I don’t want a headstone that reads there lays a chica who had great taste in shoes and helped every insurance carrier and self insured develop efficient and effective claim processes. That life is hollow and superficial and quite sad actually…not to mention lonely as hell!
Don’t get me wrong…I wouldn’t categorize myself as lonely. And before you run off to prescribe some type of Lexapro for me I’m not depressed….at least I don’t think so…no I’m not depressed, just pensive. And honestly if I wanted a body just for the sake of feeling another person next to me I could have my bed occupied. (That’s not me being conceited; this post isn’t about inflating my ego.) Finding a body is simple. Finding that imperfect person to suit me perfectly…quite the pill to swallow without a chaser and personally I’m a fan of chasers. Thought I had a leg up in the race considering that I know myself but knowing me isn’t enough for this test it appears.
I’ve always been a great student but for whatever reason I’m failing these classes…at least that’s how it feels.
Sadly I can’t tell you where all this is coming from. I did over the weekend run into one of my exes. He still has the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen…hazel grey pools that are easy to lose yourself in if not careful. He’s married with children now…but wasn’t with his wife at the movies. I guess this is the way of the world today. Married is the new single!
I’m noticing many a wedding bell tolled for a number of my ex tools. When dating them I knew they were of the marrying kind. Maybe on some level I wanted them to convert me. Definitely boys to bring home to mom…I never did because I knew I wasn’t in it for the long haul. Does that make me selfish?
Several posts ago I said I noticed that a lot of my exes are selfish but like attracts like right? On some level I too must have a selfish streak. It’s such an unsightly personality trait really but the first step is admitting a problem exists!
The Spaniard told me I’m cold. Granted he doesn’t really have a true say but it’s not the first time I’ve heard this from a guy.
Me: You haven’t given me a reason not to be. When I was trying with you I was wrapped in a lie. Not only that if you really knew me I’m the farthest from cold. Ask anyone who’s behind my walls.
The Spaniard: I want to be one of those people, but I guess I deserve this?
Me: As long as you realize how I treat you now is a direct reflection of everything we’ve been through we’ll be fine. Don’t expect me to run into your arms like some damn romantic comedy because you’ve tried to weasel back into my life under the guise of friendship. This ain’t the movies and I’m not stupid. I won’t be mean to you because that’s not my way.
The Spaniard: My behavior has to change I know. The divorce will be final in two months. I will do anything.
Me: Please don’t feed me lines I’m not in the mood. Look I have to go to the laundry mat.
The Spaniard: Sure…it’s almost 9…you can tell me if you’re going out…is there someone else.?
Me: Good night!
Regression…I need to stop torturing myself. In the past I would have called him an asshole and never accepted another call. I need that Faith back…where has she gone….she was a bitch though!
Side note on my way to San Francisco (lay-over) I sat next to this Cute Elderly Couple, probably in their late fifties to early sixties. During take-off I noticed Cute Elderly Wife get a little antsy. Cute Elderly Husband responded by grabbing her hands and she laid her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. She stayed that way until we reached cruising altitude.
Maybe married isn’t the new single!
P.S. I’m kind of glad I’m going away for business…my mind will be so taxed with client work I’ll have little if any time to devote to this quarter life crisis.
10 Pardon My French:
Let's see here. I was totally positive I would never get married. I just didn't think I was the marrying kind. This is not to say I thought I'd have a swingin' single life, because I didn't. Never did.
I just felt like it wasn't in the cards for me. And I never, ever in a million years wanted children.
Yes, back up and read the verb. Wanted. (That's the verb in that sentence, right?)
My husband and I also talked about me, one day, being a stay-at-home mom. At that time the answer was negative.
But things change and people change. I'm just saying that your views on things may change (like they seem to be) and you may look at things in a different way.
I think it's a safe bet that you will never settle just to have the trappings. But you might look at a relationship in a different way.
Although the Spaniard is still off the island and treading water, in my opinion.
First, I agree with cardiogirl. Your perspective may change. Also, my sister-in-law was with a guy for a long time when he was still officially married. He lived in Canada and divorce wasn't as simple as it is here sometimes. He was not with his wife and they eventually finalized the divorce and he married my sister-in-law. This isn't to excuse The Spaniard for not being honest with you but if this is the only real issue......
Also, HEY! People in their 50's and 60's are not ELDERLY, 'K? ;-)
@Reforming Geek I had to laugh at the definition of elderly as well. Not because I am elderly (41) although I'm heading there.
It's because I have three sisters in their 50s and they seriously do not look elderly in terms of gray hair, wrinkles and a hobble.
Yeah, that's my definition of elderly.
Still the Spaniard speaks....at least metaphorically.
Single vs. Marriage.
They're the same and different. It's all about perception and how YOU and your other half decide to DEFINE them.
@Cardio, it's funny I never imagined myself un-married but just never with child. It's weird and I guess my younger self never truly thought out the implications of that life and my current self has just adopted. But I have to stay close to what Wander always says, He doesn't always give you what you want He gives you what you need!
@Reforming, sometimes I need to hear these perspectives. Everyone keeps saying to me married is married. And on some level I truly believe that but people don't always stay married right, divorce happens...and in this society it happens a lot. At the same token I'm not really all that hung up on the married part I guess I'm more irked by the lie. That is the part I'm having trouble getting over.
How can you trust someone who didn't think enough of you to tell you the truth?
@The Guys, yes he's still speaking...of course it does take two to tango so I am partly to blame for him still being able to speak to me.
@Cardio & Reforming, ok ladies I'm sorry you're right 50 isn't old per se...my mom is basically 50 and when I look at her I don't see old. I see Mommy and she's forever young. Now this couple I sat next to on the plane they were old...maybe not in spirit but they had the wrinkles and liverspots to back up that definition.
Somehow I feel like I'm digging the hole deeper.
I also agree that as times change, so do we. We change the way we think, as well as what we want in, and out of life. There is nothing wrong with self reflection and making changes to the master plan, if you want to.
Know that some of us approaching mid-life, look at quater lifers, and wonder what if we had chosen a different path. Your jet setting, single, do whatcha wanna, when you wanna lives sound so fascinating.
When it comes to the Spainard, any other man, or friend for that matter... we teach people how to treat us. You don't have to feel bad, or that you're perceived as being cold because you won't be used as a door mat.
If you want him today, have him just because you want to. If you don't that's cool too.
@La'Tonya,
I know it took me a min to respond but I've really been thinking about everything that people are saying regarding my situation. Your words stuck out a lot. People treat you how you teach them...it's gonna be my facebook status...don't worry I will give you credit.
Thanks for the words!
You sound like you are ready to embrace the side of you which speaks of being a wife. Maybe your view or outlook on life has change significantly.
Go for it.
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