A Quarter Life Crisis

This morning I learned something fascinating about my cat. Actually it’s not really fascinating as much as it answers questions and proves that I’m not losing my mind. Sometimes I leave items on my kitchen counter and walk into my living room or my bedroom to get something, answer my phone, or catch a glimpse of Troy Polamalu, whatever. When I come back into the kitchen said item will be on the floor. Granted The Little Brother is an odd ball at times I know he’s not a child and wouldn’t just knock something on the floor and walk away. But with no other human in the house who could have done such a thing, dramatic squirrel. As it turns out Benson my sometimes couch snug-bud when the Little Brother isn’t looking can jump onto the kitchen counter. Ain’t this a bish!

Back story, I have two cats because the Little Brother felt one cat might get lonely. Benson is the alpha male. He dominates poor Stabler to the point that I question if there is a domestic violence situation I should report to the vet. Stabler displays abused wife/child behaviors. When you reach for him he shrinks away as if you want to hit him. This is not by either my hands or those of my brother, we don’t believe in animal cruelty so I chalk this up to the kamikaze-esque attacks Benson levies on Stabler during the day. However, Stabler is agile. He leaps higher, runs faster and overall out athletes Benson. I guess he has to, given Benson’s abusive nature. Not to mention Benson is probably about 5-10 noticeable lbs overweight.

But now I know all of Benson’s laziness is nothing but an act, sneaky bish. This morning I was cutting an apple that I planned to take for my all day snack (I eat apple slices periodically throughout the day, one because apples are natural breath fresheners and two because they are delicious). In the middle of chopping I noticed that Benson stole my purple stripped gloves out of my purse. As I ran after him with the angry voice, angry voice only works on canines, he eventually tired, because he’s fat weight challenged and dropped them in the middle of the living room floor. As I stooped down to pick up my gloves I hear the knife fall to the kitchen floor, dramatic squirrel.

Knowing my brother is in his room I dash to kitchen with shoe in hand ready to assault the assailant with the heel only to find Benson on the counter. WTF!!! Although he should have been the one in shock to be caught with his pecker in a cheap ho he just gave me that whatever bish look, hopped down and began drinking his water. Are you serious, at least this is what I was thinking? Benson is a lying ass ninja cat that’s been wooling (do you like how I made wool a verb) my eyes for years about his actual physical fitness. That noticeable 5-10lbs of overweightness (yup just made that one up) clearly isn’t stopping him. Granted I thought Stabler given his athleticism could easily hop on the counter but given his meek manner he accepts that the window seal is the highest place in the house he’s allowed. Not that bish Benson.

After the shock of the situation wore off I yelled to my brother explaining what had just happened. His response, “You know what, that’s because he’s fat!”

I try not to delve into the logic that is The Little Brother but sometimes he says stuff like that and I can’t resist.

Me: What? You realize that makes no sense right?
The Little Brother: Huh, everything that Benson does is because he’s fat.

I sincerely hope he was trying to be funny.