A Quarter Life Crisis

Over the weekend I went to see For Colored Girls, not a Tyler Perry original, thank God but directed, produced and adapted by him. My first mind told me to avoid the debil that is TP aka Tyler Perry but all my chicitas were going and I didn’t want to spoil the party, especially my semi celebration. Last week I escaped the pits of hell. And when I say pits of hell I mean consulting. Anyone who’s ever been a consultant with one of the top firms will understand that analogy.

But I digress, For Colored Girls, was actually not horrible. Considering my distaste for the debil, that is TP, not horrible is a compliment. While TP rakes in tons of money running around as a 6ft gun toting Grandmother, who’s Grannie actually packs heat, I turn my nose up in utter boughie (second definition) disgust. I owns my boughie and I wears it well, it feels like velvet! His writing ability, quite pitiful and let’s not even talk about his total lack of film making skills. That hasn’t stopped him from sucking up tons of cash and getting who I consider to be A-B list actors to star in his productions. It is baffling but we are/were in a recession. I’m not gonna knock his hustle because he’s doing the damn thing, so much so the mofo lives in a castle in HotLanta. Yeah I said a castle; it’s like Buckingham effn Palace over there. TP has done well for himself proving talent means almost nothing.

But seriously the movie was not horrible. And here are the few reasons why it wasn’t horrible. Ntozake Shange is the hashish and potatoes. Please pick up the choreopoem and get ready to be impressed. It’s tough to get through because it’s raw and deep and most folk don’t like that. I lump myself in that category, so don’t take offense. I like my entertainment with heavy doses of hair gel, rachet low class slores (combination of sluts and whores) and orange tans, most days. That is a direct byproduct of the pits of hell I escaped from, there was but so much brain power I had left to digest the real.

Another reason the movie was not horrible, Kimberly Mudda-Effin Elise. That chile can act her hindparts off. Chops, she has it! During one of her monologues (using words penned by Ntozake not Perry thank God) she had me ready to cry…and I don’t cry, at least not in the public. She deserves an Oscar but she probably won’t get one because well like I said it wasn’t horrible and that’s a far cry from a good film. I was equally impressed with Anika Noni Rose and my OG Claire Huxtable slays these young bishes to pieces. I’m way partial to Claire; she’s a shero in my head! I heart these women for their performances. And to be honest, the wackness that is Janet J. pulled out an honorable mention. Janet snatched back to Penny on Good Times and actually was dare I say…believable. I know I shocked myself with that last one.

I won’t tell you how Janet J’s performance in Why Did I Get Married Too made Beyonce in anything look like an Academy Award winning actress. And the real question; why I even wasted my hard earned dollars on that rubbish…peer pressure.

Unfortunately having great actors perform amazing in a badly adapted play is not getting it. I likes me some Ms. Celie, a lot, but Failure her name is Whoopie. I’m quitting her so much right now because I expected and deserved more. Note to the Whoop-ster, keep your day job. Not to hashish all over her parade, she did have one decent scene but I’m not sure if it was decent because she was doing well, or if she was just the better of two bad actresses. I mean Thandie Newton is my girl, y’all saw Crash! She and I, friends in my head! But casting Thandie as a gutter-butt slore was in a word, horrible. Rumor has it that Mariah Carey was supposed to play the role but thank God for pregnancy small miracles because it might have been worse. We all know the Glitter mishap, I’m just saying.

But alas it was a Tyler Perry production and what is normally wrong with TP went wrong in this movie. Honestly I want him to take a screen writing class for dummies or at the absolute least learn how to make a three dimensional character. In reality people are more than a one trick pony. People, most anyway, are intricately complex which is the reason why I’m not throwing the rubbish I’m calling a screenplay out to folk just yet. If you love an art form, perfect it before letting it lose for mass consumption. Well maybe not perfect it but damn get a good grasp on it. Although I will say this movie is Tyler’s best work to date.

Damn it TP in the name of all things Perry-esque, learn the meaning of plot. For all it’s worth, the movie had none. The characters were just there and things were happening to them for no rhyme or reason. Or maybe that is the plot also known as life…I am digressing. By the first 30 minutes I could have told you how the movie was going to end, minus the kids getting thrown from the window by their alcoholic father, sorry I might have just spoiled it for someone. But otherwise I knew how it was going to end within the first half hour or so which makes me want my money back, just a little.

Not surprising and regular scheduled programming for Mr. Perry, men ain’t grits n’ hotcakes. Yeah that pretty much sums up the whole male cast minus boo in my head, Hill Harper…he is soooo smart it makes me cry a little on the inside sort of like that Native American who cries when we litter. Am I dating myself right now? Anywho it would stand to reason that if TP considers himself a closet homosexual good man than he can’t be the last. Regardless of the examples of ain’t grits n’ hotcakes men I’ve run across in my life I refuse to think that Tyler Perry, Hill Harper and The Little Brother are the only ones left floating around on the third rock from the sun. iRefuse (think I stole that language from Luuvie) to believe that. There’s some diamonds in the rough out there we just need to put in the elbow grease to shine them up.

What is equally frustrating maybe even more so than the ain’t grits n’ hotcakes men are the emasculated wimps. For the love of Yahweh! Most of the men I know aren’t missing testicles. Granted I haven’t done manual inspections on all of them but I’m sure the lacking of junk would have come up in random conversation. That aside I don’t think this truly represents the population at large. If anything some men would benefit from two drops of estrogen every once in awhile, I’m just saying guys being hard all the time ain’t always sezy.

And on another unrelated but related note, what’s the deal with in the basement abortion...there’s a Planned Parenthood-like shop in almost every urban neighborhood I can think of, I’m just saying. But I hearts Macy Gray like uck me pumps on a first date so I’m not gonna lose sleep over it.

Besides that abortion plot mishap down janky civil rights legacy lane, the themes of the movie ring true. The struggles of women, not just those of color, were spotlighted and I could appreciate the film for that. Tyler Perry much like Janet J receives an A for effort and an honorable mention for the film in its entirety. I mean not even an amazing writer/director could have pulled off For Colored Girls When the Rainbow is not Enuf without a hitch.