A Quarter Life Crisis

Rants With Atmosphere!!!

Random Ishkabibbles: Leaving My Consulting Family

Don't they look like douchebags!!!!

Leaving my current career path as a consultant is bittersweet. How cliché does that sound? But it’s all the way true. Although I detest the politics of consulting, robotic human vampires are not the friendliest folk to work with; I learned a lot in a very short period of time. When I started consulting I thought I was the hashish and pissed excellence! I quickly realized everyone in consulting pisses excellence, in his/her own mind. Arrogance, with a side of Backstabbing Bish is a prereq to surviving or at least be thought of as truly the hashish. While I’m Facebook friends with Arrogance, Backstabbing and I don’t mesh like that. Seriously, the OG in the sky doesn’t need one more thing to smite me for in the hereafter, I’m just saying, He doesn’t!

And so began my undoing as a consultant. Don’t get it twisted, I consult well. My counselor, Spaz Manager, told me that my future in consulting was bright. I have all the major ingredients the right amount of snark, technical skills and the power of manipulation. A heavy touch of Mani is healthy for any consultant. My problem, I don’t like manipulating people, especially people who genuinely want help out of a sticky eff’d up situation. Consulting is the business of selling ideas that everyday people can come up with if given enough time.

Unfortunately most people don’t have enough time to devote 16+ hour days for ten weeks to one issue, insert consulting firm stage left. We come in, typically 25-32 year olds telling C-suite executives (chief executive officer, chief financial officer etc etc.,), 45-55 year olds, how they’ve driven companies to the ground and here are the five things that will make it right. At times this is met with hostility. And I can dig it. If some 21- 23 year old tried to school me I’d probably just laugh and dismiss her/his Souljahboy listening arse with the quicks. In my mind, there ain’t one thing a Katie Perry wanna-be can teach me outside of the dougie…and I already know that dance. But the point, ageism sucks but it’s all the way understandable.

What I hate, I mean really really hate, the bulldozer consulting leveled on my life. For the past three years I’ve lived, breathed and eaten consulting to the detriment of my personal life. Honestly I can’t remember what I did before I consulted, that’s pretty janky. I asked the Little Brother and he was like, I don’t remember you not being a consultant. You know what that means not only did consulting suck the fun out of Faith it also evaporated my former life stream. I didn’t know one decision could have so much downstream impact…Damn!

Despite ruining my social life, and somewhat being to blame for the shambles I find my “relationship” in, there were things about consulting that did it for me. I’m a type A personality if that’s not already apparent. Type A folk make excellent consultants because we are overachieving, workaholic, stress junkies with borderline control issues and an inability to relax. Yeah for the most part that is me. I thrive in high stress situations. I’ll go out on a limb and say that I crave high stress situations because I find that out of those situations I derive the most pleasure. The greatest reward for hard work is success, and success depends on your definition but I get such a rush of adrenaline if I can solve a problem faster and better than anyone else. This and the reward points for airlines and hotels I will miss the most.

On the flip side I recognize that I can’t tolerate an environment surrounded by people who are just like me. I can’t stand it. Can you imagine working in a place where everyone is wired exactly the same? There was not one laid back person in the whole bunch. I mean even the actuaries who typically are mild mannered individuals were racing at speeds faster than lightening.

Consulting breeds’ burnouts and alcoholics rolled into the cliché of working and playing hard, of this I’m sure. I can’t tell you the number of Senior Managers I’ve seen take down multiple bottles of vino in a single sitting night after night. It kind of comes with the territory. And since drinking ain’t my vice of choice I had very little outlet for all the extra-ness and intensity of consulting. Maybe after a small hiatus I’ll return...

Going back to industry appeals to the laid back chick hiding inside, I’d like her to be my co-pilot. Of course the bish at the wheel right now might have some issue with this decision. After the kidney stone incident with Texas I decided that I could no longer keep ignoring how much consulting changed me for the worse. My type A personality was at its highest not to mention I’d been sicker than I’d ever been in my entire life. It was time for a change. And while I truly dislike the idea of not being 150% busy all the time I know I need this break. Don’t get me wrong I’m still very much on target for what I want to do in my career but I’m taking a calculated risk by returning to industry right now. Who knows, maybe I’ll finish my screenplay!

The possibilities do seem endless right now…

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