A Quarter Life Crisis

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Stream of Consciousness: Ramblings on My Birthday!


It’s funny I’ve been going through one of the rockiest emotional moments I can remember. I would say even rockier than when I finally lost the Future Ex Husband. And even though I’ve never told the story about the Future Ex Husband and it is a story I didn’t feel as much a failure as I’ve felt lately. With him I just felt numb. A long time passed before I rubbed the numbness out of my veins. It never occurred to me that we wouldn’t be married living as the modern day Huxtables even though our relationship was a seesaw of together and apart.

Failure is my greatest fear. Don’t try to break into any of my accounts because you now know one of my security question answers. I fight against failure every day. This is part of the reason I did so well in school and ultimately do well professionally. I refuse to do anything but well, I repeat refuse. This is not in a childish get mine before someone can get theirs type of thing I just put in 200% at all times. It has paid off very well for me. I have a work ethic that most don’t, in particular those of my generation, and it doesn’t go unnoticed. I delay personal gratification at the expense of excelling professionally.

And I do this intentionally. I deal well in a world where I can be emotion-less. Work requires attention but it doesn’t require vulnerability. It doesn’t have to see me stripped bare to love and ultimately reward me. With the Future Ex Husband I was totally exposed and open and vulnerable but in the end it didn’t work. And when it was over I played the What If game for years about what should have could have been. Eventually I accepted that in life you will have growing moments and losing the Ex was one of mine.

Losing the Future Ex Husband taught me a correct yet emotionally isolating lesson about love, in order to avoid pain you can’t get in too deep. And this lesson grew and took hold as the result of the groundwork paved by a troubled childhood that witnessed dysfunctional love. Every guy after the Ex, I held at a distance. It wasn’t necessary to divulge all things about me because I wasn’t going to be around long enough for it to matter. Whenever I bored or at the first sign of trouble I ended things…sometimes abruptly others with slow fades but never ever on someone else’s terms. I shielded my heart well and escaped those men painlessly and unscathed. Always looking back on my time with them as yet another life experience but never a true relationship. I’d tried a relationship and it didn’t work, mistakes are to be learned from and not repeated.

Not recently! The Spaniard caught me in the middle of a perfect storm. I’d just gotten settled into the consultant game. And by settled I mean figured out the circus and began falling into the petty politics. My family was in the midst of crisis...not uncommon but I was truly emotionally raw from losing my Pop-Pop. And to add insult to injury 21 Jump Street shattered a 7-year friendship and any hopes of a courtship with the live in girlfriend bomb. In the midst of that train wreck unassuming genuinely nice guy walks in and provides a much-needed outlet.

He wasn’t trying to solve any of my ish because that’s what I’m good at, solving ish. He was just there, if I needed to laugh or shout or naked mambo talk or whatever with no agenda. He didn’t want anything from me and that was a relief. It seems that everyone in my life wants something from me and it was nice for once that someone didn’t need my advice, time, money, car, opinion, guidance and the list goes on. I found comfort there.

And even though I outwardly fought against the idea of coupling up with him I took a tiny leap of faith outside of my comfort zone into a relationship with the Spaniard. It felt right at the time. But when it ended, it ended badly. I felt deceived. I felt abused and I felt like the person who originally didn’t want anything from me was a fraud. The one person who was supposed to above all others not want to hurt me stabbed me with a rusty steak knife and left me to bleed out in the streets. And as much as I wanted to gouge out his eyes for being a liar and a whole lot of other things I was more enraged with myself. Me, the person who writes people’s stories accurately within an hour of meeting him couldn’t see through The Spaniard’s veneer. Failure her name is Faith.

Or at least that’s how I felt. I masked that feeling most of the summer with the madness of dating random boys. It was fun but came tumbling to a halt with one text message. A message that unearthed those buried feelings of self-rage slapping them to the surface and forcing me to deal. My preference isn’t to deal. As I mentioned emotion-less environments suit me well.

They say the ones who hurt us the most are the ones closest to us…do you believe that?

But anyway it’s my birthday and I’m going to table this rambling for now…

Side note: Are you an emotion bottler or a wearer of your feelings on your sleeve?




4 Pardon My French:

cardiogirl said...

I do think the ones who are closest to us hurt us the most -- because we truly care about their opinion.

As you've mentioned, you are open and vulnerable to the people who are closest to you. And if that person is not diplomatic he/she has the opportunity to decimate you whether it's intentional or not. (Usually it's not intentional but I've had some crazy ish in my past and have dealt with people who are intentionally trying to take me down.)

I am a complete emotional bottler with a terrible poker face. I'll tell you it's okay, I'm fine and my face will tell you a totally different story. I guess that's how I roll, but I wish I had a better poker face.

Ndygo Sunshyne said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALL BELATED!

Now, I'm a walking contradiction. I happen to wear my bottled emotions on my sleeve. Don't ask.

DC DIVA DATING ADVENTURES said...

Ok, don't hate me (see previous comment) HAPPPPPPPPYYYYYY Belated B-day. Technically you can celebrate it as long as you'd like.

Don't beat yourself up over the Spainard. Take the lessons learned (good & bad)and understand that it happens in life., Things could get better (that's Diva being optimistic) but if they don't, I'm sure you learned something about yourself in the process....

Like for example, I learned Klein is good at "eating" his meals when he wants to be (all puns intended) but he's fucking horrible at communicating, and that basically drove me crazy.... so therefore in any relationships going forward..... I need someone who is well versed at communicating, whther it's through text, sos, or snail-mail (sorry, went on a rant)

In anycase HAAAAAPPPPPPYYYYYY Birthday

xoxox

Diva

Chaotically Calm said...

@Cardio, you're right people who's opinions don't matter can't hurt you. It just seems so wrong that someone can impact your emotional being so easily. This is what separates us from the animals I guess. My poker face is pretty strong with most people, it's the ones in my inner circle who get to see the vunerable Faith.

@A-Weezy, thanks for the b-day shouts. And yes I needs some back story here. Emotional bottling sleeve wearer, how does it work?

@Diva, I appreciate the b-day love. The Spaniard and communicating do not mix, he and Klein cut from similar clothes. I can't help but LOL at the whole Klein - closure post...he really put you through the ringer but with a happy ending, sort of!

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