A Quarter Life Crisis

Rants With Atmosphere!!!

Weekly Rant: Dear Kanye West & Lil Mama…

As you know my weekend went careening down the toilet after Juan’s little hiccup. No harm no foul he is back dragging me everywhere so I can’t talk about him too bad. And anywho this post ain’t about me…and yeah I’m late to the table with my VMA sum up but I has me a schedule around these parts and that’s the way I likes it. Without further ado…


Dear Kanye,

First let me be the 400th to say that you need a break, yes a serious break. I’m not talking about a celebraction where you sit on an island for a day to be photographed by the paparazzi you called to the secluded spot and can’t seem to understand how they found you, no not that kind of a break. Clearly as evidence by the crop circles etched in your hair you’ve lost touch with reality (and honestly I was concerned when you donned the old skool soul patch fro-hawk but you cleared that up). Now some might consider that creativity. I do not. I consider that a sign of mental unraveling. No worries it happens to us all at one time or another in our lives, hence my advice to you to grab hold of yourself and take a small hiatus from the lime light.

Second you need some real friends. Not talking about those nut jockeys who are along for the flash bulbs and left over 7 minutes of fame from simply smelling your cologne. (These fake friends could explain a bit of that Ego you’re carrying around weighing down your shoulders.) I’m talking about some real friends. What the Little Brother calls homies, dudes or chicks who say bro what the f*ck are you smoking? I know I know it sounds harsh but it’s oh so necessary. Remember not too long ago when Joaquin Phoenix decided he was gonna become a rapper, just think if he had real dudes beside him they would have pulled his coat tails and he would never ever have to relive this moment in his life. Amber Rose isn’t on her job. It doesn’t take much to put your arm out and just shake your head vehemently in the no motion.

Now clearly your behavior could’ve been brown juice influenced. The brown channels the ass within, seriously. No lie I’ve witnessed a few people get Henny-fied and almost lose their lives. Granted I thought it a touch ghettofab that you showed up on the red carpet Hennessey in the right and a chunk of Amber Rose hindparts in the left. Might I also add not a good look! And I so want not to like Ms. Rose but I do kinda dig her style. Now I wouldn’t show up to an awards’ show in a snake skin one piece, to each her own, but to her credit she didn’t have any bulge or camel toe so it was all good, I guess. She too was influenced by the brown as I watched her chug a taste when you passed the bottle. Try sober next time Sweetness.

For what it’s worth I actually like your music and think you’re really talented. But please do your mama proud take a much needed hiatus to mourn her passing and check back in less a$$hole. Clearly the combination of alcohol and your mammothly inflated ego can’t fit in one building.

With Genuine Concern,

Faith

Dear Lil Mama,

You’re border line mentally challenged aren’t you? This isn’t coming from a place of concern like my letter to Mr. West. You have a screw loose. First off at least you could have had on something other than your around the way clothes. I know this is the VMAs so no need to be shitty sharp (not like you were nominated or something) but for real jeans and a tank top, is that what it’s hitting for? But oh wait, I’ve seen you dressed to what you consider the 9s so maybe it was better that you played it way casual. In all honesty your stylist needs to take the long walk we give to over the hill pets, no offense.

Second you’re not a lady. Sorry it had to be said. No I’m not calling for a cootie check because I don’t mean it that way, what I’m saying is you have masculine mannerisms. I have trouble describing this but it’s all in the inflection of your voice and the way you hold your hands to the way you walk. I don’t know it’s like someone dunked you albeit briefly in a vat of testosterone, shook off the excess and put you in a skirt.

I’m getting off track.

Third and this is a question, were you trying to resurrect your “rapping” career. I mean it truly is on life support and it must be all types of hard not being one of the kool kids anymore…..in my small voice were you ever?

Lastly I am banishing you to the land of obscurity. You’re probably familiar already but still don’t come back until you can speak, dress and act all things lady-like. Ok Sugar Lump that’s all I got.

Shaking My Head in Utter Disgust,

Faith


And this is just a small note for all award shows going forward…get some real security this would never happen on my watch!

6 Pardon My French:

Shawn Smith said...

It's sad. I think that was probably one of the greatest performances in a long time on the VMA's and all people will talk about is Kanye and Lil' Mama.

My girl forces me to watch ABDC and every time I have to sit and watch it, I have to ask the question "what the hell is Lil' Mama talking about?"

Is she even relevant?

Now I can understand getting "caught up" in the moment. Hell, I'm from Memphis but that song had me hype about New York.

But.

But, If I was there, I would have sat my happy ass down (or been dancing at my seat like everyone else) and just enjoyed the moment.

As everyone else says "way to stay relevant".

Dumb ass.

ReformingGeek said...

I am so glad I missed all that "fun".

MR. CHAP said...

Friggin' hilarious. Yep, I've been posting about ol' Kanye "need a hug" West. I can't believe he did what he did. Black people already have an image problem. And with Van Jones effin' it up, people hating Obama and Serena cutting up (for good reason), Kanye just threw it over the top. Where are we going wrong?

Lil Mama makes me sick. You know how crackhead women walk? All upright with their head in the air like they still got it? That's Lil Mama. The most "ghettofied" thing on TV besides NeNe Leakes and she sits there looking like a dude like, *smacks lips* "Um...I thought yall was dope". *smh*

See what you made me do? Anyway, I guess I need to vent on Lil Mama. I can't believe she would even think she was half worthy of being on the same stage as Jay-Z OR Alicia...together OR alone. And didn't she get there awfully quick? ABDC was live (i assume) because Mario threw it to Sway and he took it from there. How she got there in that amount of time is beyond me.

Maybe she rode one of those flying metal things with wings. *shrugs*

mr. nichols said...

classic! yeah this whole thing was just an all-around mess. these jokes will never get old though. that lil mama letter was he-larry-us. you had me cracking up all the way through.

"In all honesty your stylist needs to take the long walk we give to over the hill pets, no offense." LOL.

but real talk, the whole celebrity culture right now needs a sit down. chris brown, mike vick, etc. people are bugging out. and kanye? yeah, the college dropout needs some class. pronto.

Chaotically Calm said...

@Shawn, yeah it is pretty sad that Kanye is an ass and Lil Mama is deranged. To be honest I am not much on award shows but this one was actually pretty good minus the obnoxiousness of the guests.

@Reforming, I think you would have had fun watching the fiasco honestly I do. Personally I am not much on award shows but this one was quite entertaining ha ha.

@Mr Chap, friend no matter what we do there will always be a buffoon in the midst. This is specifically why I disassociate and say I'm toffee...LMAO just kidding but seriously when will it be that Black folk are judged individually and not by the few that are all out asses?

@Mr. Nichols, I think celebs are gonna continue to go hard until there is some serious backlash from the public for their actions. I mean even CB not that I think he should be punished for life or anything but there really aren't any repercusions for their bad behavior. They are pretty much the only folk I know who can kill people, use drugs crazily and overall lead what most would consider bad lives and still be revered and put on pedestals. I mean Robert Downey Jr is nothing short of a crack head and yet everyone hearts him...sickening sometimes.

La'Tonya Richardson said...

Giiiiirl, this was funny! Kanye is truly on some other stuff. Mostly, his EGO. (I can't get it any bigger). And right you are about friends. Real friends would have checked him a long time ago, and stopped him from making a bigger ASS of himself.

Now, Lil' Mama. I was laughing out loud! You called it! I tried to figure out what is it about her, too masculine!

I've always wanted to know, does one or two songs make her a real dancer? She's how old, 15 maybe, and she's a judge on a show. Come on. Who's big idea was that???

Honestly, I don't think she has a stylist. Let's hope not anyway. If so, they need to walk the plank!

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