A Quarter Life Crisis

Rants With Atmosphere!!!

Holding Hands Causing Panic Attacks

While trolling through BC-land (blog catalog for all those out of the know) I stumbled into a discussion surrounding quirks. (This is shameless promotion for BC which is an awesome place full of awesome folks like Robin who started this thread you should check it out hint hint) Anyone who knows me or meets up with me for a short period of time knows that I'm chalked full of good ole quirkiness. In general I avoid shaking hands because I just don't know what others have been doing with theirs when I'm not around. This gets me into a lot of trouble at church because in general there's a lot of love in the room which is normally expressed in hug or hand holding fashion. I didn't make the rules. If it were up to me a nice smile would do all the same but people are big on the touchy feeliness of it all (yes I am making up words).

Anywho one day in particular I remember sitting in the pew watching my mother sing (yes Wander is on the mass choir and she is hella good)one of the deacons or pastors asked that everyone hold hands in collective prayer. The anxiety elves starting dancing and little perspiration fairies began forming on my brow at the very thought. Most times I avoid these panic attack-ish moments by sitting in between my family members and/or friends. Yes I know it makes no sense, family and friends are germie creatures as well but I feel I'm probably immune to their cooties by now. Unfortunately that day I braved the congregation and it's germs on my own. And double unfortunately I was seated betwixt a 15 or 16 year old boy and a young mother with a baby.

Ugh ugh ugh...of course this in poor taste and I was sitting in a church at the time but my mind could only imagine what the little walking hormone did with his hands before he came into worship. Don't get me started on the young mother. While babies are all cute and cuddly and lovable and they smell great even when they poo, they are also little buggie vessels of infection. Yes I said it dammit. And I say it with love and affection for the little darlings but and this is a big but they are bottom line festering little germ balls. I know this from working in a pediatric clinic where I had to get every possible immunization known to man before even starting. Initially I thought it was to protect the babies from me but the nurse laughed and said oh no sweetie this is to protect you from the babies. And from there I've always kept a slight distance from newborns and toddlers. Oh no no no they aren't going to suck me into their little germ vortex no matter how adorable. But I digress.

God only knows that the young mother had on her hands from schlepping the little poo machine to church and we're not even going to go into any detail about the gi-normous sized grin on Sergent Hand Job's face as they each rose to grab my trembling hands. Don't act like I'm the only one who feels this way (OK maybe I am but hey it's not called a quirk for nothing people).

By now my hands were white (take into account my complexion my hands going white is a big thing) and chilled with fear but I couldn't very well clasp my hands together and pray alone as this was collective prayer. So I did the unthinkable, the inconceivable, the down right last thing I could think of, I sneezed in my hands and excused myself from service. Ha ha gotcha I thought about that but I didn't. I grabbed the sweaty teenage and remarkably soft hand of the new mother and proceeded with the group prayer. Of course immediately following the hand holding fest I instinctively went into my purse and viciously sprayed my hands with anti-bacterial hand sanitizer. Was that rude?

Oh but there's so many more quirks in my bag but not enough time to play working to continue. Until next time folks.

8 Pardon My French:

systematically unorganized said...

I wonder how you feel about all the nasty little germs on your tongue. Anti-bacterial for the mouth anyone?? check out my blog @ today.com www.rahrah.today.com I think

"Hanging on a Hyphen" said...

Do you think I need to desanitize first before entering your blog? Hahaha...

Chaotically Calm said...

@hanging....it would be greatly appreciated if you did cleanse before reading LMAO.

Tonya R. Moore said...

This is hilarious. I so know how you feel.

Jenn Thorson said...

I always enjoy your little Rants With Atmosphere, as I've come to think of them. Keep the quirks. They're working for you.

Have a disinfectant wipe now, you've earned it. :)

timethief said...

I've never read your blog before and I laughed all the way through this article. Don't get me wrong. I'm quirky too. I've frequently felt just as you do and I carry sanitary towelettes in my handbag. Setting that aside I love your writing style.

Troy - a.k.a. Whiteline said...

Okay that's just waaaaayyyy too funny :) ... Next in the series: "Tonsil Hockey and tongue condoms"

Excuse me now, I need to go wipe

Jazzy said...

hehe You remind me of Adrian Monk~

The TV show "monk" the guy is exactly like you and carries hand wipes around 24/7.You should watch it it's interesting a bit.

NAdyeah.People have their quirks I doubt the mother would have minded..

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